Dear Brit Brit,
I just wanted to start off by saying that I love you, and I have always been your #1 fan. I’m not kidding. I probably am a bigger fan of yours than your two children and your current fiance combined. You have literally been such a role model to me since I was like, 9. I recently told someone this, and they laughed in my face. I was overcome with such an enormous amount of rage, I was forced to flip out and defend my stance that you are actually an amazing example for girls of this generation. Here’s why:
1. Even When You Were Ugly, You Were Still Hot
Like, think about it. You were the hottest teenager on the planet. And then you went a little crazy, starting hanging out with the heiress/”DJ” Paris Hilton, got into drugs a little bit, and gained some weight. Whatever. What high school hottie hasn’t gone to college and gained a few pounds after she rushed a top tier sorority and spent the better part of her evenings binge drinking? Exactly. Did these crazy nights make any of us less attractive? No. I mean, maybe we looked better before, but the point is, you can’t just become ugly when you’re hot, which I think you’ve demonstrated perfectly. Everyone was just so tough on you. What did they expect, for you to have your perfect abs forever? That’s just unrealistic.
2. You Taught Me Exactly How NOT To Date
Remember that time when your life was all about wearing matching denim outfits and matching frosted tips to the VMA’s with Justin Timberlake? You were so young. How were you supposed to know that he would actually remain relevant years after his N*SYNC fame? Anyway, I learned that it’s perfectly okay to go through phases of guys you date. You went through your preppy, popular guy phase (Justin), your “what the hell am I doing” phase (Jason Alexander, your 24 hour Vegas husband), your “what the hell am I doing 2.0/I just really want to have babies and clearly have little regard for how my fortune is being used” phase (Kevin Federline), and now you’re in the “stable relationship with a mature adult” phase. I completely understand – people grow up, relationships change, personal trainers die, etc. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from you and your dating history, it’s that as long as you learn from your last relationship, it wasn’t a complete mess.
3. You Originated the “Frenemies” Concept
Everyone knows that you are way better than Christina. Sure, she could sing, but her weight always fluctuated worse, and I was always a little thrown off by her weird weave/piercing phase. I LOVE how bitter you two were about each other…and I love how you grew up and reached out to congratulate her on her divorce/mental breakdown/bout with psychosis/role on “The Voice.”
4. You Made it Okay to Be Crazy
I mean, it might not exactly be advisable to shave your head and beat your ex’s car with an umbrella, but you know what, it happens. I think what people failed to notice is for every bout of “crazy” females have, there is always some asshole frat boy screwing a girl in your rival sorority that made you that way. I mean…yeah. Also, I think that sometimes it’s unhealthy to keep your anger bottled up. Some people will tell you that destroying your ex-boyfriend’s car is not a good form of revenge. I disagree.
5. You Proved That No Matter How Low You Get, You Can Always Make a Comeback
You are honestly living proof that no matter how much you think you may have messed up, or how many times you may have embarrassed yourself, it is never too late for redemption. After all, I can’t think of a better inspirational story than the lost little girl who was once a mental case, and feared by many to be a lost cause, who was able to get her shit together, make a few platinum albums, go on a sold-out comeback tour, and get engaged to a responsible, rich, nerdy-hot music mogul. Sometimes, when I’m on my way to blackout town after six too many double Ketel One and sodas with limes, particularly after a tragic breakup that I think I’ll never come back from, I say to myself, “Pearls, you’re going to be fine. If Britney could come back, so can you.”
Anyway, last night was your big debut appearance as a judge on The X Factor and so far you’re as hilarious and amazing as ever. Also, I’d like to say thank you for never straying too far from your signature mini-dress look, and for being skinnier than Demi Lovato.
Best of luck this season, but mostly, thank you for being you.