An Open Letter to Farrah Abraham

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Nice Move

An Open Letter To Farrah

Dear Farrah,

First of all, I think it’s time to just throw this out there: you’re a fucking idiot. There, I said it. I don’t give a shit that you’ve been able to make money by exploiting the little girl that walked out of your vagina, or that you once thought you were a “model” because you did like, one hair show for a weekend. You’re just stupid in every sense of the word. I hate the way you speak, by disregarding generally accepted intonation and instead dragging out the last letter of every word, as if you’re some LA girl on painkillers. I hate the stupid things you do with your hair and your makeup. You were my least favorite little slut on 16 and Pregnant and were by far my least favorite mistake-maker on Teen Mom and that’s out of the cast that included Amber “the Chubby Chaser” Portwood and Caitlin “wah I gave my kid up for adoption and I still can’t get over it” Lowell.

Why do I hate you so much? Not only do you have zero redeeming qualities, but also you have no clue how the real world works. MTV viewers watched you hand off the responsibility of your spawn to your parents (and be incredibly ungrateful about it) and run away to Florida, where you dated idiots who wear Affliction tees. Ever since Teen Mom ended, you’ve been doing really great things with yourself and proving everyone who thought girls who get pregnant young are incapable of getting their shit together wrong. Wait. No you haven’t.

Let’s recap here: you got a DUI, and then you failed at making a porno. Bravo. You’re another illegitimate child away from being the chicest girl in the trailer park. Your semi-normal father and Vicodin-loving mother must be so proud of their little girl.

Listen, Farrah, I know you might seem desperate now that Teen Mom is over, but drinking and driving was no way to handle your worries. Also, fighting with the cop who arrested you? As if getting a DUI weren’t embarrassing enough, you’ve chosen to flaunt your mistakes by posting a video of you BLOWING INTO THE BREATHALYZING DEVICE installed on your car (cute Fiat btw. Just fucking kidding). Are you serious right now? A DUI is nothing to flaunt to the world, it’s something to learn from. And making blowjob innuendos in your car? Road head jokes aside, you’re beyond trashy and I’m over it.

As if your lack of driving sober weren’t enough, you also MADE A SEX TAPE ON PURPOSE. With a porn star. So. There’s that. You hired a porn star to penetrate you on camera in hopes of later “leaking” it and selling it to make a profit. There are two types of girls with sex tapes: first, the girl who got a little…no, a LOT, too drunk and decided it would be okay to let her boyfriend film them messing around, and has lived the years that followed in constant fear someone has since gotten their hands on her moment of indiscretion. Then there are the second types of girls; the girls who makes sex tapes because they’re sluts. Sorry. You’re the second type of girl, and you should be embarrassed by it. I understand this whole scenario worked for Kim Kardashian, but I’d also like to remind you it worked because she was relatively unknown at the time. People know who you are, and they know you’ve had a boob job. You can’t brush off a sex tape made with a porn star as if it’s some mistake from high school coming back to haunt you.

Listen, Far, you’re a fucking disaster. You’re like Lohan, but with no previous accomplishments. Your life is headed in a downward spiral, which is pretty pathetic because I was under the impression that being the star of an MTV reality show about being the biggest slut at your high school would be considered rock bottom for most people, not the peak of fame you’ve cemented it as. Oh, and there’s also one minor detail I’m sure you’re forgetting: you have a fucking kid.

Who is watching your daughter while you’re out getting penetrated by porn stars and blowing a .147 into a breathalyzer? Does your daughter even acknowledge you as her mother, or are you just the trashy bitch who parades in and out of her life on occasion wearing low cut tank tops? Have you given any thought to this, or are you too busy trying to make money from having sex to care? Listen, I know you’ve capitalized on your boudoir ability (and the results that came 9 months later) once, but it’s not going to happen again.

I think you should just go back to Nebraska, and live a nice quiet life on the prairie, or whatever it is people do out there. Maybe you can meet some farmer boy who is a widower because his first wife was killed in a tragic farming-related accident? Maybe he’ll even be able to see past all of your flaws. Hopefully he’ll remember you have a child, and you two can live happily ever in some weird state where people are proud to husk corn (unclear as to what the hell that means).

Either way, you need to get your shit together, and fast, because I’m sick of seeing you and your fake boobs when I’m trying to be a hard-hitting journalist and scour the celebrity gossip news. Also, I still think you should have opted for a rhinoplasty instead of breast enhancement. Sorry.

Just kidding, not sorry.

Pearls xo

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