Do you prefer Jen, or would you rather I call you Katniss? I’m not sure which is more comfortable for you, because it’s pretty obvious most of the world knows of you as the murderer/Hunger Games champion Katniss Everdeen. Apparently, you’ve done movies other than the Hunger Games though, and apparently, you were really, really good in them. You even earned an Oscar nomination in 2010 for your role in Winter’s Bone, which I guess was super dark. I wouldn’t know, 2010 was a busy year for me and I was too busy blacking out to deal with watching sad movies.
Not only did 2012 mark the beginning of The Hunger Games, but it also marked the year your movie Silver Linings Playbook came into existence. The plot literally sounded so stupid it was insulting. You played a widower who needed to enlist the help of a bi-polar high school teacher who was fresh out of rehab to win a dance competition. Like, seriously? Defying all odds, Silver Linings Playbook has earned major critical acclaim, an Oscar nomination, and allowed you to make out with Bradley Cooper multiple times (I’m going to assume you were smart enough to make sure the kiss scene had to be filmed at least 300 times).
Jen, this weekend could be the most epic weekend of your life, as you very well could become an Oscar winner at the age of 22. I know you’ve already made history as the youngest actress to ever be nominated for two Academy Awards, but the polls are in, and you’re taking the lead as far as the Best Actress award goes at the 85th annual Oscars. Do you realize the magnitude of what is upon you? You could win the most prestigious award in Hollywood before you’re legally allowed to rent a car.
While congratulations are certainly in order, I would also like to advise you to proceed with caution. Not only will this weekend be intense, even if for some reason you don’t win, but it will be the greatest weekend of your life because you’ll be in the presence of Bradley Cooper and a lot of booze. It’s your chance to get Mr. Cooper drunk, sleep with him, and call it a day. You’re already the object of every other actress in Hollywood’s envy because of your incredible acting ability, why not become the envy of the few girls who haven’t slept with Brad yet, and the hundreds of others who have since been scorned by him? I think it would be a really great moment for you to make a hot, older man hookup happen. I’m not sure if you’re still dating your weird, unknown boyfriend, but either way, it’s definitely time you paired yourself with someone of a much higher profile. Don’t even give me any of that, “I’m so private and down to earth” nonsense. You are, without a doubt, the hottest young actress in Hollywood right now, and you are every bit entitled to act like it. You’re basically a younger, less rude Gwyneth. You’re a hot Anne Hathaway. You are legiterally EVERYTHING right now, and I need you to understand how important this is.
I worry you might be peaking too soon, as is possible with young, mega-talented stars. I mean, think about it. Audrey Hepburn was 24 when she won her first Oscar, Hilary Swank and Grace Kelly were 25, and Vivien Leigh was 26, and those bitches had to WORK to stay relevant throughout the rest of their careers. In order to ensure a long, prosperous reign as Princess of Hollywood (sorry, Meryl will always be Queen, and there’s nothing ANYONE can do to make her abdicate her throne), I would recommend you do the following:
1. Become the new face of either Dior or Chanel. Charlize did it. Natalie Portman sort of did it but then she had to get political. You NEED to become the muse for some designer, and fast, because it will only solidify your place in Hollywood and make you a force to be reckoned with.
2. Turn down whatever offers come your way from Playboy, Hustler, Penthouse, etc, because you are a) a serious actress and b) not trashy. I also don’t feel like your career is hurting, so I can’t understand why you would gain anything from exposing yourself to the world.
3. Buy property in Mustique. People are living for it.
4. Date George Clooney. Mr. Clooney is Benjamin Button-ing, and it’s been a beautiful thing for the rest of the world to watch. The hotter he gets, the younger his girlfriends get. I feel like you have a solid three years left before you’re too old for him, so I would hop on him before Julianne Hough beats you to it.
5. Stay away from anyone with the last name of: Lohan, Hilton (except for me, obv), Bynes, or Swift.
6. Offer to babysit for Mason & Penelope Disick. I don’t really know how this would help your career, but they’re the fucking cutest.
7. Get involved in a serious relationship with Prince Harry. If only one of us can date him, I guess it can be you. I’m going through a serious ginger hating phase anyway, so have at him.
8. Don’t try to dabble in directing mediocre films, and don’t start your own bullshit producing company. Don’t start designing shoes, or purses, or whatever it is has-beens do. Stick to what you’re good at.
9. Most of all, don’t let this all go to your head. I think people find you easy to relate to, which seems to be working for you/your PR person, and you should milk it for all it’s worth.
Best of luck this weekend girl! Even if you lose the Oscar (again), you still got to make out with Bradley Cooper. THAT, my friend, is a silver lining if there ever was one.