Dear Mrs. Humphries,
I hope it doesn’t bother you that I’m referring to you as Mrs. Humphries, and even if it does, you’re going to need to deal with it, because as of today you’re still legally married to the NBA player. The truth hurts worse than standing in a pair of Giuseppe Ziannotti’s for six hours at a Las Vegas club opening, doesn’t it? Anyway, I’m not going to spend time yelling at you for failing as a wife, or the weird way in which you stare at the cameras and speak slowly on any reality TV show you’ve ever been on. Listen Kimmy, we have a much more important matter to discuss here: your pregnancy.
I know you might think it’s cute to get knocked up by a rap star, but trust me, Kimmy K, this is NOT going to be all sunshine and Instagram pictures. I’m sure you think you can breeze through pregnancy just like your perfect older sister Kourtney did, but trust me, this is going to be the most miserable time of your life. You’re going to get SO fat. Like, not even gaining a few pounds fat…you’re going to get HUGE. You’re not exactly the most petite to begin with, but with adding a human being to your womb, you are literally going to BLOW UP. You won’t even be able to passably wear Khloe’s clothing as maternity clothes.
Listen, Kim, I know some people have been dumb enough to assign you the title of “style icon,” even though all you’ve ever done is take a piece of couture and cut the hemline so it looks like something any 16-year-old slut could have bought off the rack at Forever 21. I know some people think you’re entertaining, for reasons I’ll never understand, since you’ve never actually said anything funny or profound, ever, and I know this because every moment of your entire life has been recorded and televised. I don’t really GET you or your appeal, but apparently rappers across America do.
Having a baby is not a trend. You are going to be stuck with this little half-Kanye, half-you scenario for at least 18 years, and if the baby takes after his uncle Rob in any form, you will be stuck with it until it’s at least 45, because, let’s face it, nobody gives a shit about Rob Kardashian’s high end sock line. You are actually going to be required to do something for the first time in your life, and I know this is going to be a very foreign concept to you, seeing as how you’ve built a career off of being the girl who used to do cocaine with Paris Hilton and sleep with Brandy’s brother. Do you actually understand what being a mother entails? You’re going to have to hire a nanny to get up and feed the baby at all hours of the night. You’re going to need to schedule photo ops of you with the baby out in public. You’re going to have to talk about someone other than yourself in interviews for at least the first year of the baby’s life. Also, you’re going to need to deal with Kanye, in some capacity, for more than 72 days.
I’m actually terrified for the future of the world in which a little version of you and the “Gold Digger” singer exists. I really hope you don’t give your child some stupid, trendy name, and I hope that every one of your Instagram followers unfollows you the minute you start posting side view Lo-Fi’s of your growing bump. I hope you realize what you’ve gotten yourself into.
I also hope you realize you are not the first person in the world to get pregnant, and you won’t be the last. I’m sick of everyone using pregnancy as some special honor, as if nobody else in the world has ever given birth to a child before. Newsflash, Kim: you’re not special for getting knocked up out of wedlock, and you’re far from a rare commodity for having a rap star’s baby. Stop acting as if you’re doing the impossible, and stop expecting special treatment just because you’re housing a fetus for the next five or six months.
And most of all, I hope you know, regardless of how much you flood the social media gates with pictures of your strange little baby, and regardless of how many cheap clothing lines or perfumes you name after it, there is no way any offspring of yours and Kanye’s will ever be nearly as cute or perfect as your sister Kourtney’s children.
Think about it.
Best of luck, Mrs. Humprhies.
- [Image via TMZ]