An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan

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Dear Lindsay,

I’ve refrained from writing to you for awhile now. I haven’t held off because I approve of you or any of your actions, which are obviously beyond embarrassing. First of all, you got banned from the Chateau, which is the Hollywood equivalent of being banned from the best fraternity, but worse. Also, you’ve had way too many DUIs and run-ins with the law to even be considered cute anymore; DUIs and cocaine busts were Paris and Nicole’s thing, circa The Simple Life era. I’ve actually tried to avoid scolding you for your pathetic life choices because you happen to be the leading lady in the best movie ever made: Mean Girls. Yes, I know Clueless came first, but Mean Girls is EVERYTHING. I love that movie enough that I was even able to ignore you dating Sam Ronson (who I’m adding to the list of celebrities who look like Justin Bieber/Rachel Maddow), and turn a blind eye when you showed up to the MTV Movie Awards in that hideous Pamella Roland sequined jumpsuit number. I know, I know, you had an ankle bracelet to cover up, but still, you looked like a disco hooker.

Anyway.

This letter isn’t about your horrible, drug-inflicted past life. This letter is regarding the notion you have that you’re going to be able to “revive” your “career.” Forgive me if I’m wrong, but “The Parent Trap,” “Freaky Friday,” and whatever other Disney movies you were in as a child do not a career make. Actually, getting in trouble with the law and sleeping with Charlie Sheen for drugs IS your career, when you think about it. Which sucks. It’s a terrible way to live your life, but someone has to do it. I’m not sure if you even actually have any talent as an actress, because I’m fairly confident your role as Cady Herron resonated with you and required little acting: you’re a natural redhead, so the whole “outcast” thing was nothing new to you, living in a world of non-gingers. Being publicly called a firecrotch probably felt exactly the same as it would have felt to be blamed credited for writing the whole Burn Book. Still, you took a break from your daunting “acting” career to focus on going to court/jail/rehab and think you can just make a comeback…in the made-for-TV Lifetime movie, Liz & Dick, where you portrayed American icon, Elizabeth Taylor.

Listen, Lilo, Liz is sadly departed, but that doesn’t mean someone shouldn’t still slap you on her behalf. Not only was the movie terrible, but you were absolutely terrible in it. This movie was supposed to be your way of proving to Hollywood, your father, and everyone else who thinks you need to live at Promises that you are still relevant as an actress and are capable of having a career in Hollywood making movies. This film should have been your focus, you should have actually BECOME Liz Taylor. Instead, you did an embarrassing portrayal of my idol and the only woman who may have been a bigger psycho than I am. Your blank stare and unaffected, emotionless speech did little to trick me into believing I was watching the young version of the deceased former child star/million times married trainwreck instead of the actual former child star/unmarried trainwreck I saw before me. It’s obvious your career was already failing, since your big “comeback” was a Lifetime movie. Everybody knows that Lifetime is just television for women who are too hungover to get off the couch to change the channel. Unlike a limit that never approaches anything, the limit of the number of people who watched your cinematic failure does, in fact, exist. There are two types of people who watched it on purpose. One group is comprised of pathetic, lonely, middle-aged women who have nothing better to do. The others wanted to see how much of a mess you would make of our beautiful Elizabeth’s torrid love affair (I’m, of course, in this category, but I’m a journalist and it’s my job to do these things). Anyone else who saw this movie by chance simply couldn’t figure out how to change the channel (so I’m guessing senior citizens and the blind). Lindsay, I think it’s time for you to realize your time is officially up. You have lost any credibility you once had as an actress. You should have just quit while you were ahead, which was after Mean Girls was released.

I think you should just continue to party and aggravate everyone else in Hollywood until you wind up exiled and forced to move to an ashram in India. I know you dabbled with Kabbalah, but I feel that spending time at a Hindu retreat will do you some good. While you’re there, you could just lose your passport, so you’re forced to stay out of the US until everyone has erased you from their minds completely and the LAPD has decided there is no point in pursuing any further arrest warrants because you’re probably dead.

Also, go back to being a redhead. At least you had an excuse for your bizarre and erratic behavior then…you’re giving girls of every hair color a bad name at this point.

Good luck, and Namaste.
Pearls xo

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