An Open Letter to Miley Cyrus

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Nice Move

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Dear Miley,

I am going to be straight up with you: I think you’re an idiot. I know you’ve grown up spoiled by the entertainment industry, but I think you could have handled your rebellious years a little better than getting a million terrible, tacky tattoos, forgetting to wear a bra virtually every time you go out in public, and chopping your once enviable locks into a ‘do that made you look like Draco Malfoy. I think your behavior comes across as ungrateful. You have millions of dollars, you were the envy of every slutty little tween in America when you played Hannah Montana, and your fiancé is one of the hottest guys in the world. Instead of keeping a low pro and staying hot, you’ve put all of your effort into making out with strippers, smoking salvia, and whining to everyone about your problems, which nobody cares about.

I really thought your career ended with Hannah Montana, but you were able to keep yourself semi-relevant by making The Last Song, where you met your fiance. Since getting engaged, you’ve done the following: chop your hair, take a lot of pictures of your dogs and post them on Twitter, write a lot of emo Tweets that suggested trouble in paradise between you and Liam, get pissed that people assumed all of your emo Tweets hinted at a breakup, and threatened to delete your Twitter. You haven’t been making movies (thank God). You haven’t been in the studio, which is actually kind of disappointing, because, to be honest, I’ve still got my hands up because they’re playing my song. Honestly, Miley, I’m still nodding my head, like, “yeah,” and on occasion, you can find me moving my hips, like, “yeahhh.” It’s all so crazy. I actually think your best shot at staying relevant and worthy of Liam’s attention is to get back in the pop music game.

By a stroke of luck, Larry Rudolph has agreed to represent you. Larry is the genius behind Britney’s fame, so I think it’s safe to say he knows what he’s doing. If he could turn our little diamond in the roughest of roughs (otherwise known as Kentwood, Louisiana) into the princess of pop music, I think it’s safe to say good, old Larry can turn your career around.

Listen up, Cyrus. You are on the verge of something really fucking major. Do you understand what’s happening here? You have a shot at people actually taking you seriously as a pop artist, and not just looking at you as some spoiled, has-been brat. Your future could involve multi-platinum records, world tours, and actual relevance, as opposed to staying home and getting wine drunk while watching Hannah Montana DVDs, wondering when you’ll hear from your husband next, because he’s been busy shooting yet another movie. The guy who breathed life into Britney Spears’ almost dead career has agreed to revamp your image. IT IS TIME TO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, AND THAT IS AN ORDER.

I understand you were ready to shed your image as the squeaky-clean pop singer, but acting like a trashy punk ass wasn’t the way to do so. Listen to your new manager. He’s going to give you the direction you so desperately need. Just don’t fuck this up. Don’t give stupid interviews that make you appear to be ungrateful and impossible to relate to. Don’t gain all the weight back that you worked so hard to lose by doing “pilates.” Don’t get caught smoking salvia, or anything else, for that matter, because everyone knows salvia is for pussies anyway. Learn how to dress yourself, and invest in a good set of wigs to cover up your hack job until your naturally shiny, wavy, beautiful hair grows back. Take your stupid nose ring out, and find a way to cover up hour hideous tattoos, especially that ridiculous dream catcher scenario you have happening on your rib cage.

Most of all, make sure you hang onto Liam. He is literally so hot it hurts, and he is only going to continue to get more famous as the years go on. The Hunger Games has at least two more movies left in its franchise, assuming they don’t split Mockingjay into two parts, and you know he’ll have offers rolling in once he’s done with that series. Do you want to remain current, or do you want to be some girl people remember from a Disney Channel show?

Miley, I think it’s also important you tell your parents to get their shit together. I’ve never fully understood what your father is doing with himself lately, or why your mother is friends with Justin Bieber, but I think it’s safe to assume they’re just trying to ride your coattails. If I were you, I would hire them to do some menial tasks as part of your entourage and keep them in contained spaces. I don’t think you need to do a duet with your father ever again.

My biggest hope is that you decide to go the pop-country route and ultimately take down She Who Shall No Longer Be Named. No, it’s not Lord Voldemort’s twin sister, her name starts with a “T,” ends with an “aylor Swift,” and her face resembles a sewer rat’s. Anyway, she’s been so busy trying to convince the world she’s a “good girl,” even though she’s literally slept with EVERYONE, and you’ve been busy losing fans because you’re trying to convince everyone you’re a “bad girl,” even though you’ve had like, two serious boyfriends since we’ve known you.

Miley, you can do this. I have faith in you. I know you can’t be tamed, but I really think your career can be restored. Just cut the “bad-ass” act, listen to your manager, and don’t post emo updates about how alone you feel in this world if you’re annoyed with people making assumptions about your relationship. It’s not that tough.

Best of luck,
Pearls xo

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