Notice that I didn’t refer to you as R-Patz? It’s because I know you hate it, and I now respect you as a human being. I remember thinking you were hot when you played Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I actually thought you were the hottest wizard in the Tri-Wizard Tournament, mainly because Daniel Radcliffe seems a little gay to me. I digress. I know you were a part of this minor franchise where you played a sparkly vampire, and I’m going to let that slide. I know that the whole experience was probably really traumatic for you, mainly because you were bewitched by the hipster/Hollywood equivalent to Hellen Keller some call Kristen Stewart. I don’t get it, Rob. Is she a witch? Is she a gypsy? Does she do voodoo to convince people she’s attractive? Were you high the entire time? I bet the blow must be really good in Hollywood if you were so messed up that you convinced yourself you were in love with the lip-biting weirdo that was your co-star. I saw you let yourself go once you started dating her. You stopped showering. You let yourself fall victim to the 90’s grunge look, which wasn’t even cool in the 90’s. I thought we had lost you forever.
Recently, the news story broke that your lover is actually an adulterous harlot. You now have the entire world in the palm of your hand again, which I would assume is right where you want them. Everyone pities you. You are the new Katie Holmes, with none of the scientology. I hope you realize how pivotal this moment is in your career. I’m so proud of you for being a man and moving out of the weird hipster Los Feliz love nest you shared with that pale bitch. I think this is going to be a great thing for you.
You are now the most eligible young male in Hollywood. Do you know what this means? Start showering and get your shit together. Remember that time you made out with Reese Witherspoon in Water For Elephants? Be that hot again.
Here’s my retaliation plan for you:
1. Rediscover the art of grooming.
2. Wear an obnoxious amount of Tom Ford.
3. Channel 1930’s Hollywood glamour.
4. Always be seen at parties with a glass of expensive single malt.
5. Buy a million dollars worth of cars.
6. Start dating Jennifer Lawrence.
7. Win an Oscar. Or six.
8. Give an interview to Rolling Stone, with a super hot shirtless photo shoot to accompany it, where you actually thank Kristen Stewart for cheating on you with a creepy married man and allowing you to free yourself from the hell that was your relationship and become the next George Clooney. Make sure you say how you feel sorry for her at some point, just to rub salt into the wound that she hasn’t made a movie since Snow White and The Huntsmen, where Charlize Theron looked 20 years younger than she did, which is sad, because she’s like 13 years older.
9. Call me after you’re done with this.
We’re all here for you. Just please wash your hair. Brooding is not hot.
Love you, or something,
Follow me on Twitter @PearlsHiltonTSM