I hope you’ll take notice that I’m now referring to you as R-Patz, which I know you HATE. This is because I’ve lost all respect for you as an individual. I should probably just call you R-Pussy, because that’s what you are.
I first wrote to you after your breakup with the harlot/gypsy/possible transvestite/definite fugly slut the movie industry refers to as “Kristen Stewart.” She cheated on you with a creepy-looking older man, then issued a pathetic public apology that consisted of a lot of lip biting and mumbling, in true Helen Keller/Kristen Stewart fashion. She moved out of the home you two shared together, and spent a lot of time looking like a disaster while you were the world’s golden boy once again. You had the entire world feeling sorry for you, and you were primed to make the best movies of your career, and be photographed in the best suits at the best parties. All you had to do was shower and get your shit together. What did you do instead? You brooded around Hollywood aimlessly, and everyone got over pitying you after a week. Instead of making major moves and proving to the world and that fugly ex-girlfriend of yours that you were going to be fine, you just played the desperate/heartbroken card. NOBODY loved it, and everyone moved on. And now, after wasting your time as a single man, you have done the UNTHINKABLE: you have taken your cheating vampire wannabe girlfriend back.
You’re a complete idiot. What’s the saying? “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, I’m a freaking moron”? This was in no way, shape, or form a good life choice. First of all, it’s proven: once a cheater, always a cheater. Second of all, it’s universal knowledge that you can do wayyyy better than that pale-skinned, lip-biting, stringy-haired freak. I don’t understand what type of voodoo magic she has performed on you, but it’s becoming apparent that you are clinically insane. What in the world are you thinking? You are now asking for what is left of your heart to be torn out and shred to pieces. In fact, she’ll probably physically rip your heart out, plop it into the blender in the kitchen you two once shared, and hit pulsate.
This girl is evil, and you have seen her evil ways first hand. What I don’t understand is why you chose to punish yourself by getting back together with her. I hate to say this, but nobody will feel bad for you the next time she cheats on you. Plus, your relationship is henceforth doomed. Think about it: anytime she goes to shoot a movie, you’ll be a nervous wreck wondering if she’s screwing some married director behind your back. You’ll call incessantly, and she’ll get so annoyed she’ll probably try to convince you that you drove her into the arms of some adulterous weirdo once again. The paranoia will literally destroy you. Even if you are able to pretend you’ve worked passed her indiscretion, and have completely forgiven her, you’re going to get burned again. Kristen showed her true colors by cheating on you, proving she doesn’t know when she has a good thing. She’ll play the perfect, loyal girlfriend for a little while, but a cheater is a cheater, and she will eventually stray. And when the pictures surface in US Weekly next time, nobody is going to be shocked or sorry for you. Everyone will think “Serves him right for taking her back.” I promise you.
My only hope is that this entire revived relationship scenario is purely for the publicity of the last installment of the Twilight movie series, which I didn’t realize people still cared about, because we all know awkward 15 year-old girls and fat housewives from the Midwest don’t count as people. If this is all a publicity stunt, I guess I’m okay with it. After all, the whole Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes marriage was a publicity stunt for Tom’s entire career, because for some reason, his agents still haven’t figured out that the rest of the world knows he’s gay and accepts him for it.
Either way, Robert, stop texting me. I can no longer support you in your decisions, and my boyfriend Adam Levine is getting really annoyed with your whiny “what should I do Pearls” voicemails.
Love you, or something,