I’m trying this thing where if I don’t have anything nice to say, I make something up and use it to preface the truth. So…congratulations! Congratulations on the last installment of the Twilight franchise, first of all. Not only have you made yourself known to the world as a shirtless, ethnically ambiguous teenage heartthrob by playing Jacob the Werewolf, you’ve done something that must have required self control beyond reason: filmed five films with Kristen Stewart without killing her. So, bravo. I met her once, for like five minutes, and was already trying to figure out how to “accidentally” impale her with a broken prosecco glass. Maybe you contain wisdom and strength inside you far beyond your years. I mean, you’ve appeared on the red carpet with her so many times that I’m sure you were over her terrible fashion choices and lack of posing ability before the US Twilight premier even happened. Moving on.
I’ve never known what to think of you, Mr. Lautner. First of all, I can’t decide if you’re smiling or confused in 99% of the pictures you take. I also wish you could open your eyes more, but I hate that I can’t fully commit to that request, because I’m unclear as to what your heritage is and whether or not that could be considered a racist remark. So many variables. Also, I’m convinced that you must actually be the biggest idiot in the world, because you dated my mortal enemy, and apparently SHE broke up with YOU. Not cute, Lauts. Not. Cute. Have you no pride?
While I’ve been emotionally torn over how to feel about you as a person, I have always known how I feel about your abs: YES. I love them. I live for them. I worship them and you should too. After all, if it weren’t for your supremely sculpted stomach, you wouldn’t have a career in Hollywood. I know you think your “acting talent” deserves credit for your career, but we all know the true hero behind your fame: your abdominals, and those v cut things around your hips that I never really know how to react to. Your shirtless scenes were the only truly enjoyable part of watching any of the Twilight movies, and they were a welcome break between Helen Keller/Kristen Stewart’s moments of intense lip biting. I’m sure your midsection is what earned you roles in whatever movies outside of the Twilight franchise you’ve been in, too…whatever those are.
Recently, you gave the rudest interview: you claimed you were done taking your shirt off for movies. You thought you were being “exploited” for your rock hard body and were ready to start taking on more “serious” and “challenging” roles as an actor. Okay, listen: nobody will ever take you seriously, because Twilight is a joke. I don’t know exactly what the appeal is, but it all boils down to one weird GDI’s struggle to choose between bestiality and necrophilia. Yes, it’s been a very lucrative ride for all of you, but it is in no way, shape or form, a model of film making or acting expertise. I don’t even know if you can act, or if you’re just good at taking your shirt off while running and leaving the rest up to CGI. You need to understand that your status as a teenage sensation will die eventually, and your best bet is to just accept the fact that the country is exploiting you for your body and roll with it. There are many more roles for you to take that involve you being shirtless. All the actual acting roles are going to people with talent, like Daniel Radcliffe, and even he had to go full frontal and have sex with a horse before people took him seriously. I don’t understand why you’re offended people view you as a shirtless boy wonder. You definitely do look better out of clothes than in them, and that’s a proven fact. I don’t care how many perfectly tailored suits you wear on the red carpet, the best look for you is the one where your face isn’t the focus.
On a completely unrelated note, I really think you should reconsider your penchant for plain white T shirts and leather jackets. That look had it’s time, and it was called “back when people were pretending Tom Cruise was straight.”
Listen to me, T, I’m trying to save your career here. The minute you refuse to take your shirt off will be the minute your phone stops ringing with movie roles. There’s nothing wrong with accepting your place in Tinsel Town as the boy with unmatched abs. I just think you’re a little delusional in actually believing anyone will take you seriously as a real actor. After all, there is already another boy your age in Hollywood who looks as great with his shirt on as he does with it off, mainly because of his breathtaking blue eyes and perfect jaw line, and his name is Zac Efron.
All I’m asking is that you keep this in mind while you’re enduring the insanity that is about to be your life during the last Twilight installment premier. As much as you think you’re saying goodbye to your days of being objectified as a half-naked mythical creature, you should also consider how lonely the world will be five years from now when you’re spending your days camped out in Starbucks/Pinkberry/Jamba Juice, praying someone recognizes you for your former shirtless glory days. Oh, and just so you know, if I HAVE to choose, I’m team Jacob.