Dear New Girl,
First of all, congratulations on winning the most recent, highly contested election. You should be proud of yourself for campaigning hard and/or threatening everyone into voting you into your new position. You should be thrilled. Not only will you have something to put on your resume aside from “talented at binge drinking six nights a week,” but you’ll have a chance to assert your authority and dominance over all of the younger girls in the pledge class below you, in addition to the girls in your pledge class who don’t have the backbone. You’re about to get your chance to be the bitch we all know you can be.
Look, I know you look up to me. I’ve noticed it in everything you do. I know imitation is the highest form of flattery, and, needless to say, I’m highly flattered by the way you’ve tried to carry on the tradition I’ve started of only pairing with the best frats on campus for social events. Last year’s “amazing” homecoming pair? Yeah, you’re welcome, that was all my work.
What I don’t think you realize is that even though you idolize me more than you idolize your own mother, you have some pretty big shoes to fill (well, theoretically. We probably wear the same shoe size). I know you think that next semester is going to be all fun and games and schmoozing with our nationals advisors, but trust me, it is not.
First of all, being social chair sucks way more than you would think. Not only are you responsible for maintaining the only part of our house’s reputation that really matters on campus, but you’re expected to do so without getting in trouble with standards. JUST FUCKING TRY to go all semester without planning a party that won’t land your ass in the hot seat with risk management or judicial board. I guarantee you, it won’t happen. There will always be the parties that are deemed “too out of hand” or “too wild” to uphold our standards, and when some girl blacks out and gets thrown in the drunk tank after the tailgate that you planned, guess what. It all falls on you. Be prepared to feel at odds with the girls you consider to be your best friends about this at least once, because trust me, it will happen. I know you’re super excited right now that your bestie got voted chapter president, but trust me, at one point or another, she’s going to have to pull rank and come down on you. She’s got people giving her shit too. Don’t let it ruin your friendship, and don’t let it cause division in your house. Just be prepared to deal with it.
Aside from the other elected officers, you’re going to quickly learn that the girls in your house kind of suck sometimes. Yes, they’re beautiful, and yes, you love them, but you’re going to learn how impossible some people are to please. Being social chair is a thankless task. Girls expect to have good pairs all the time without having to work for them. They assume that pairing with a good fraternity is easy, and don’t realize that you can only do half the work. They have to show up and be fun in order for the good houses to want to pair with us again. Once you reach a certain level of top tier status, like the one I helped the house achieve, girls forget that our status can just as quickly be lost to our rivals. Bitches will pull all sorts of bullshit, like using your paired party as a pre-game before they go to their boyfriend’s house, or trying to veto the theme you’ve thought of. They don’t get it. There are only so many fucking themes in the book! They’re going to have to deal with it! You won’t make all of them happy, you just need to realize that now. Regardless who you’re paired with, some girl will always have preferred you paired with her boyfriend’s house, and some girls will always be too fucking lame to be down for a day party on a Tuesday. Fuck them. Do you.
Look, I worked really fucking hard at my position last year, and while I’m confident in your ability to keep our house awesome, I think you need to realize that this position takes work. I know I’m pretty much giving you a top tier house on a silver platter, but you had better not fuck it all up. I know I told you I’d always be here for you if you need advice or guidance, but trust me, I was lying. I was honored to have this title last year, but now, I couldn’t be more excited to be rid of the responsibility. I’m so excited to return to my civilian duties of showing up where and when I was assigned without having to go into the planning involved. I’m also so sick of writing nice emails to the lower tier frats when they incessantly try to pair with us, because apparently, “maybe if you guys weren’t so fat and awkward, we could hang,” isn’t an “appropriate” or “polite” response.
Look, I’m really excited for you, and I’m about 75% confident in your abilities. I just need you to know that while I pass the torch on this position, there’s a lot that comes with it. Do NOT fuck this up for us. Don’t get lazy and let us slide into a middle-tier position because you’re afraid of ruffling a few feathers, and don’t become such a mega bitch that you become insufferable. That’s the standards chair’s job, anyway.
Lots of love, and DO NOT FUCK THIS UP,
Your former social chair.