And You Missed Your Period

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Nice Move

And You Missed Your Period

6:30am OMG, I have to pee so bad! *Check phone for the time.* What day is it? I really need to stop drinking so much alcohol. Does that say the 27th?! It can’t be the 27th.

6:34am Last time I put a pink heart on my calendar was…a month and a half ago. I’m totally pregnant. No, I’m not. Maybe I have cancer and that’s why I’m late. I can’t decide which is worse. I’m a horrible person.

6:45am *Try to sleep off the potential baby.*

10:33pm That was literally the worst fucking dream ev– fuuuck. *Stand in mirror and suck stomach in and out.* I would be like, so cute pregnant though. Wait, definitely not. Pregnancy is so tacky and overdone. I already look bloated. I’m definitely pregnant. I’m going to be so fat.

10:45pm I need to tell someone. Is Katy home? Ew. I wouldn’t want to tell her anyway. She’s just going to start talking about that one time freshman year she thought she got pregnant when the baseball team’s shortstop fingered her. She’s so dumb. I would probably throw myself (and this baby) off the balcony if I had to listen to that one more time.

10:55pm *Curl up in fetal position and cry.* I’m going to call Danny. I can’t call Danny. I definitely have to call Danny. *Pick up phone* So not calling Danny. *Throw phone across room.* Oh no! That was a brand new case! Shit, the rhinestone bow fell off! *Cry even harder.*

11:23pm *Drive to Walgreens.* At least I’ll know for sure. That will help. Right? Wrong. Nothing will help. I’m a slut. I’m going to die alone. No one will ever love me.

11:30pm Is eight tests too many? No, definitely not. If this low-life at the counter even kind of gives me one look, I’m going to go off on her. Just try me. I dare you. “Here’s your bag, have a great day!” That bitch. Like it hasn’t happened to her fifty times. I bet she has like eight kids and lives in a trailer park.

12:44pm Could these things take any longer to decide? I don’t even get how they work. Maybe I should have gone to chem class after the first week. Oh God, I’m going to end up on welfare.

12:47pmWe need a game plan. I could put it up for adoption, but then that’ll be mega awk when it grows up and wants to find me and it’s totally beautiful (obviously), except its parents are hipsters and encouraged free expression and a loose definition of hygiene.

12:48pm I feel like it’s really not politically correct to be fair-weather pro-life, but it’s way different cause it’s me, so don’t care. I mean Jenn dropped out and had her baby and was all “abortion would be murdering my own child.” Awesome, Jenn, you’re so holy and righteous, but no one’s forgotten about the weird stuff you did with your sociology professor.

12:53pm Danny will marry me right? Of course he will. I’m perfect. I’m way out of his league, and hilarious, and relatively emotionally stable and can do the splits after two whiskey-cokes. I’m a dream. He’ll graduate. I’ll take care of our beautiful house. We’ll live happily for seven or eight years before the repressed emotions of disappointment and resentment start to kick in, and he’ll get an OTPHJ from his chubby legal aid leading us to finally admit that our marriage is in shambles.

12:54pm Danny so isn’t going to marry me. I’m going to be so fat, and he’s going to be so successful and I’ll ruin everything. He probably hates kids too. I hate kids. Except my kids. They’ll be exactly like me, and obviously you couldn’t hate that ever.

12:57pm Has it been ten minutes? I can’t look. I should call my mom. Psyyych. That’s a joke and a half. She’ll just yell and then lecture about using protection, and I’ll remind her how forgetful I am, which isn’t even my fault, because maybe if someone spent more time doing flash cards with her child, rather than going to the nail salon to make Dad love you, then this wouldn’t be an issue.

12:59pm I need therapy.

1:01pm You can do it. Just look really fast. Looook now! HA. Good try. But really, I should just look at it.

1:02pm Wait was that a minus? Is that a good thing?! Like subtract one baby from the equation? Or like minus the rest of your life and give up now?

1:03pm Box, box, box. Found it. Sweet Jesus. I’d like to thank God, and Jack Daniels, and the homeless guy who stands outside underneath the State Street bridge. You’re scary, but I like your delusional quotes, like today’s: “Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.” I’ve had many great things thrust upon me. I tend to thrust back, unless I’m like really tired. I’d also like to thank Danny for shooting blanks, but I’d also like to thank myself for keeping such a cool head through this whole process. Couldn’t have done it without you.

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