As someone in a three and a half year long relationship, one of the only things stopping me from stabbing my boyfriend at various points in time is that I know I wouldn’t hold up well in prison. I mean, maybe if they got one of those airport Benefit carts, but otherwise, I just really don’t think I’d enjoy it. Since this is sadly the case, I’ve had to stay on my best behavior and not stab anyone, but maybe if I play my cards right, that just may change for the better. An Oxford University student who was charged with stabbing her boyfriend might get out of going to prison because she’s going to be too successful for jail, so start beefing up your resume and you may actually be able to get away with murder.
24-year-old Lavinia Woodward was just your average aspiring heart surgeon who was routinely getting published in medical journals. You know, NBD. It’s unclear just what Lavinia’s Tinder boyfriend did to piss her off (not to blame the victim here, but obviously he deserved it), but after doing drugs and drinking, Lavinia went off on her boyfriend. She punched him in the face, stabbed him with a butter knife, and then threw various objects at him, including a laptop, a glass, and the most British of all – a jam jar. In other circumstances, Lavinia would be about to live that Orange is the New Black life, but according to the judge in charge of her case, she was just too successful to go to jail.
Since attacking her boyfriend like he was a piece of toast is typically frowned upon in the medical profession, the judge let her off with a warning and a reminder to stay off of drugs since she probably wouldn’t be able to become a surgeon with this on her record. Let this be a lesson for all of us: if you thought maintaining a 4.0 was for nerds, you’d better rethink your entire relationship strategy because the benefits far outweigh the consequences. Keep good grades, and you’ll be completely justified for anyway you choose to react when your boyfriend likes a fitness “model” on Instagram. Oh, and men? Maybe start watching your backs, because we’ve found a way to game the system..
[via The Guardian]
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