Being in a relationship is basically like navigating landmines while also using your genitals. It’s a constant struggle of “I love you” and “I wish murder wasn’t illegal but only slightly frowned upon.” On one hand, you’re obsessed with the guy. He’s cute and funny and he sometimes brings you tacos when you’re hungover. But on the other hand, one wrong look and you wonder why you don’t just say “fuck it” and switch teams.
It’s hard dating someone. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Who’s acting like a total dick when they change the channel to watch a seventh consecutive hour of SPORTS!? Every relationship is different, but chances are, there are a few basics fights you have all the time that you wish you could get an answer to. Luckily, you’re not all that original, and we’re all having the same fights. Finally, an answer to whether or not you’re being a psycho bitch when you get pissed that he liked a girl’s Insta.
He’s Friends With Girls
This situation has a lot of gray to it. Has he hooked up with these girls? Has he dated any of them? Do you have any reason to believe anything is going on (and not just because she has a vagina)? As much as we hate it, guys can have platonic female friends. If he’s hanging out with them behind closed doors or putting his tongue down their throats then fuck that. Otherwise, unless you have evidence to prove him wrong, you’ve got to be cool and start girl-flirting. His friends are there to stay.
Verdict: You cray.
He’s Friends With His Ex
Very few times is this cool. It’s one thing if they have the occasional, “how’s it going” run-in where everyone is sort of awkward but all-together polite. If he’s dissing her and being a dick, well that would be a pretty big red flag. But unless he’s made sure you’re totally comfortable, and she’s 100 percent over him, this situation is weird. Most guys wouldn’t be too happy about you hanging with an ex either. Sure, it sucks because that person was your ~best friend~. But after he grabbed your boobs and knocked your boots, it’s sort of expected that you’ll cut him out of your life when you both part ways, otherwise things get messy. Unless he’s totally platonic, you’re in the right here. And if you feel uncomfortable about it, your boyfriend should get that. Besides, that shit’s just weird.
Verdict: He’s stupid.
He’s Not Texting You While Out/Doing Guy Stuff/In General
To start out, your boyfriend is your boyfriend. Your partner (gag at that description but whatever). He’s not there to be your servant, your “best friend,” or your never-ending source of entertainment. You’re not his mom. He doesn’t need to check in with you every hour, give you constant updates, and let you know exactly what he’s doing and where he is. Not only is it annoying, but it’s clingy AF. Go read a book. Tweeze your ingrown vag hairs. Get a life. If he’s, for the most part, respectful of you and your plans, and doesn’t ignore you out of spite or lie to you, then him being a little MIA when he’s out with the boys is no big deal. Turn it into one and those same boys will convince him to cut you loose and date a girl who’s cooler. And probably has bigger tits, just FYI.
Verdict: Most likely you cray.
He Said Something “Mean”
Some guys fucking suck. They’re abusive and rude and all-around dicks. Those aren’t the guys I’m talking about. Send those guys back to no-sex hell where they belong. Most guys, or at least the good ones you should be dating, are not like that. The thing about boyfriends, however, is that they’re still boys. That’s the catch. I know he watches The Bachelor with you and you’ve conned him into getting a pedi once or twice. But sometimes guys say the wrong thing. Or they just don’t say what you want them to say. Don’t ask how a dress looks if you don’t want an answer. Don’t pry into his past if you don’t want the truth. And don’t get offended when you ask his opinion and it isn’t the same as yours. And BTW? That whole teasing you relentlessly thing? That just comes with having a boyfriend. Get used to it.
Verdict: You cray.
He Interacts With Other Girls On Social Media
Honestly at this point, we know how the social game is played. People can see what you like, who you’re talking to, and base assumptions off of that, so we’re usually smart enough to steer clear of that shit. See a hot picture of your ex? You mentally double tap it and move along. Dying to friend that guy you hooked up with three years ago on Facebook? Have your friend do it, and stalk him from afar. We know that basically anything on social can be considered flirting, and unless the person is a mutual friend, or in no way a threat, he’d have to be an idiot to like or comment on some random bitch. And if it’s a sexy spring break/swimsuit/cleavage-baring picture? Just call the authorities and have him locked up now. It’s for his own good.
Verdict: He’s stupid.
He Doesn’t Want To Do Things You Want To Do
Relationships are about compromise. That doesn’t mean you get to expect him to go shopping with you every weekend, let you pick what you watch each night, go down on you like clockwork, and ditch his friends to drink vodka sodas with yours. Pick an activity or a movie you’ll both like, and see what happens. If he constantly wants to be in control and never gives in the give-and-take relationship, then he’s being a dick. But if you’re pouting because he won’t watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians cut him, and his balls, some slack.
Verdict: You’re both a little stupid-cray.
He Doesn’t Make You Feel Like A Princess
Ohhhhhokay. So he doesn’t pay for every date. He doesn’t surprise you with flowers “just because” and he doesn’t have Kate Spade bags coming out of his ass for every holiday. He doesn’t post enough pictures of you on social media and you can’t remember the last time you went to a restaurant that served small portions of weird food on white tables clothes? Ugh. What a scumbag. In short, he doesn’t treat you like fucking royalty, and you’re not having it. Ready for the truth? You’re not fucking royalty. I don’t mean to yell at you (JK I sort of do), but just because you’re a hot, somewhat funny, somewhat intelligent girl, it doesn’t mean you’re a Queen. Moreso, if you’re smart enough, you should realize that being treated like a princess isn’t what people is after. It’s not what guys are after. Sure, excessive presents are great. But do you know what’s better? A guy who picks up your favorite shitty Mexican place when you’re hungover without you asking. A man who think you look hot as hell when you’re not full-glam, and a guy who respects you as an equal, and not as a fake royal.
Verdict: You cray.
And if all else fails, let’s just chalk it up to he probably fucked up. Tell him to get you some flowers and some onion rings and it should be fine..