Welcome back to Ask Hot Piece. Real advice from a neutral party about boys, besties, blackouts, and everything in between. E-mail me any time (firstname.lastname@example.org) and the columns will come out weekly.
So about a month ago, I (kind of) hooked up with a boy in my program at school after a night heavy drinking (I say kind of because things didn’t uhhh work so well since we had been drinking heavily for hours). I absolutely did not intend for it to happen, but I think he’s kind of adorable, so I wasn’t mad about it. The only thing that concerned me was that since we are in the same program, we see each other 24/7 and I didn’t want things to be awkward in class or at socials. Either way, that weekend, we talked about it and agreed that it probably wasn’t smart to keep it up. But then immediately after that he was up my asshole more than usual, like waiting for me after lecture and begging me to spend the night at his house after a party he hosted. He gives me nothing but mixed signals all of the time like he’s afraid I’m going to shut him down. So last weekend I had a party at my house and we got in a stupid fight about nothing and he decided to ask another girl in our class for her number right in front of me, which really pissed me off. Either way, I was sick of it and asked his roommate what his problem was and he told me that the night we hooked up and things didn’t work out, I called him out on it so he was really embarrassed and was afraid to try anything again because he thought I would shut him down. I’m not necessarily trying to date the kid, but I am still very attracted to him and want another shot. I just don’t know if he’s able to get over what happened the first time.
Well here’s the thinggggg….you DID shut him down, so it’s not crazy that he thinks you will do it again, and getting called out on a limp willy has got to be one of the biggest blows to the ego like…ever. I would NOT bring that up again if I were you. Before you do anything, you need to decide if you really want to hook up with him again or if you just don’t want him hooking up with anyone else, because it’s sounding like the latter. If you’re just being selfish, that’s totally fine and normal to feel that way, but you can’t actually expect him not to hook up with other people if you told him you and he couldn’t hook up. Think how pissed you’d be if he got all clingy and pissy about you being interested in some other guy. If you decide that you actually made a huge mistake and do want to hook up with him, I’d suggest you do your best to resolve your little issue without actually ever mentioning his little issue. Ahem. I’d just approach it by saying something like “if I did something to upset you, I’m really sorry, and I’d like to make it up to you” (implicatively maybe?). And then I think you could be extra flirty again when you’re drunk around him, inevitably hook up again, and then if you guys have another need to “talk about it” you can just be like “let’s just see where it goes.” Carpe diem, right? Do it now, deal with the consequences, uh, never. But seriously…make sure that’s what you want to do (meaning it’s NOT just selfish jealousy) before you dive in.
So, I’ve been dating this guy for like a month and a half and I’m starting to totally second guess myself. I really, really like him a lot, but I’m not entirely sure he feels the same. I constantly do sweet, thoughtful things for him (I just bought him new letters!) but he rarely does the same for me. He never gets mad at me, but whenever he messes up, of course after we make up I apologize for being upset and he always just lets me “take the blame” like it was my fault for being upset with him. He’s also really busy all the time and we hardly ever get to spend time together. He does tell me how much he needs me, but he also says he “views love as a really deep friendship” and that we’re essentially really close friends, even though we have romantic feelings for each other. We both work on the same floor in a freshman dorm, so if we broke up, that would be super weird. I do realllllllllllllly care about him, and the last thing I want to do is break up, but I already feel like I’m stuck in a rut with him!
Ok. Don’t freak out. But he doesn’t really like you that much. Not like he doesn’t like you at all but he doesn’t like you as much as you want him to, or as much as you like him. If he did, he’d make a little more of an effort, and he’d care when he upset you. And I feel like girls always do this thing when they’re in the sitch and they’re like “no, like I know this is different.” It’s not different. Exactly how it looks is how it is. I wouldn’t suggest a full on “break up” like don’t talk about it…but slowly back off a little bit and see if he reacts/notices/cares. I suspect he will either care because he likes your attention…or just not care. And at that point, you will be able to realize, oh hey, a just friendship might be better.
I met this boy at a music festival this weekend and we really hit it off. We sang and danced and kissed all night long. We were in totally in our own world. Well that night he got my number from a mutual friend and has been texting me ever since! He goes to school 3 hours away from me, though, and he wants me to come to one of their football games and visit. I heard he is kind of a man-slut though, so I’m kind of scared. It’s not like I’m looking for a relationship or anything, but I like talking to him and I’m scared when we see each other again he might try more than making out. How do I stop him if he tries to go too far? How far is too far?
“Too far” can only be determined by the individual. You will not be more than a hook-up to this boy, most likely. I understand it’s nice to have the attention of a guy you were feeling into, but he may very well be texting plenty of other girls the same thing, and if more than making out is making you nervous, I don’t think visiting him and most likely sleeping in his bed is the smartest thing ever. If you’re about the casual hook-up then by all means, though I still think I don’t know how I feel about traveling three hours for sex, but I’ve heard of worse so no judgment. I think it’s probably just smarter to forget about him, like some boy you met on spring break. Yes, it was fun and wonderful, you’ll probably talk for a little while longer but it will fizzle and then be over. I don’t foresee a lot of good coming from this, since you don’t seem like you just want a long-distance hook-up buddy.
My actual sister just told me that she heard from a very reliable source that my now ex-boyfriend cheated on me with a girl in a different sorority while we were dating. I don’t feel like it’s something my ex-boyfriend would do because we had a very civil breakup and are now still friends but I know I believe my sister over him. Should I confront him about it or just let it go?
I think you’re only even asking me this because you want to confront him but you’re afraid of getting confirmation on something that will be so so painful to hear and obviously ruin what was an amicable breakup and has turned into a friendship. I think he owes you the truth, and I would absolutely confront him on it if I were you. That was shitty, you know your sister is telling you the truth, and I think you should call him out on his bullshit. If you don’t want to talk about it, you should at least break off all ties with him, but I think you’d feel better and have more closure (though it will be more painful) if you hash it out.