Welcome back to Ask Hot Piece. Real advice from a neutral party about boys, besties, blackouts, and everything in between. E-mail me any time (firstname.lastname@example.org) and the columns will come out weekly.
Okay, so, my sorority’s homecoming pairing threw us a celebratory “yay, homecoming is finally over” bonfire. My Big introduced me to a friend of hers. His Little (a pledge) was standing next to him, and didn’t hesitate to introduce himself to me. We hit it off immediately, and I ended up going back to the house with him at the end of the night. Long story short, instead of going to his room to have alone time, we went to his room to take care of two of my drunk pledge sisters. He apologized, and I helped him put his sheets in the washer. Or, I thought they were his. We went outside to sit on the porch, and his drunk roommate comes storming out of the house screaming at him to “pack his shit”, and asking him “where the hell are my sheets,” etc. He looked like he was about to cry, so I pulled him close to me and told him he was being a good guy, and that he shouldn’t worry about it. He ended up walking me home, which is completely across campus from the Greek community. We talked about everything from past relationships to our favorite colors, and exchanged numbers when we got to my apartment. My dilemma is that we said we’d hang out when we were completely sober. He texted me all day the day after, but I haven’t heard from him since. It’s been a week. I know he alive, because my intramural flag football team played on the field right next to his. He just didn’t say hi, or anything; just kinda looked at me. He’s a super sweet guy, and completely my type, but I don’t know if it’s worth trying to pursue him, or waiting, or if I should just give up completely. That, and do you think he thinks I’m creepy for trying to console him? What do I do?
Onto the next one. Texting the day after you meet/hook up with a guy hardly means anything, it’s almost just like standard procedure. It’s texts after that that mean he’s interested. And since he hasn’t texted you after that, it’s safe to say he’s not that interested. It could be because he got in a shit-ton of trouble from the active whose sheets he fucked up and he’s associating it with you, but it honestly doesn’t even matter why. He was pretty clearly trying to get in your pants when he took you back to that room. You ended up talking and liking him, but realistically, you could have ended up talking and liking anyone. It’s not a big deal. You realistically only had one conversation. There are otha fish in the sea my friend.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year and a half now and it seems that it wouldn’t phase him if we were in a relationship or not. When we first got together, he would write me letters, buy me flowers, take me on dates, hold my hand in the car.. everything that a guy SHOULD do for a girl. But since about May, everything has stopped. We always have talks about how I don’t feel like he cares for me anymore.. He won’t even talk to me about the future anymore. And the other day I found some dirty texts on his phone between him and another girl while he was drunk.. How should I handle this situation??
Personally, in your situation, I think I would break up with him, and that should really be an option you’re considering whether or not it’s what you ultimately decide upon. It doesn’t sound like there is very much good in the situation. For almost six months he hasn’t paid attention to you and won’t even discuss your feelings and try to resolve the situation. He’s talking to other girls behind your back which is BEYOND disrespectful. It sounds exactly like you said: that he doesn’t really care to be with you. I think you need to have a serious talk with him and ask him straight up if he wants to be your boyfriend, and ask him why he’s not acting like he does. If you don’t get anywhere with that conversation, it’s time to really consider whether or not you want to stay in this relationship. Break-ups are hard, and you’re not thinking about that because you still have feelings for him, but it’s because you’re holding onto a memory. He’s not treating you how you want to be treated and what’s the point of having a boyfriend if you still have to deal with shit like this and being unhappy? I’m not saying break up, no one can ever make that decision but you, but it doesn’t sound like you have a very good boyfriend I’m sorry to say. Relationships should make you happier not sadder.
Okay so here’s my dilemma – I met this cute guy at a party and we ended up hooking up. I set my expectations really low because parties aren’t the place you normally meet the take-home-to-mom type guy. The thing is that he is actually super sweet and I know he really likes me. We figured out early on, though, that one of my really close friends used to like him in high school and they hooked up for like a month, but never had sex. This was like a year and a half ago. He didn’t really like her so he stopped seeing her but she was super attached and even texted him this past summer to try and hang out/hook up. He didn’t go for it because he never had any interest in her. She has a boyfriend right now but I feel like if I told her about this guy I met, she’d still flip out. The way I see it is that if I didn’t know about him then he isn’t that important to her and she shouldn’t be mad at me. I really value her friendship though so I don’t know if I should go along with it and see where things go with this guy. They honestly weren’t a big deal at all, but she honestly tends to get reallyyyy emotionally crazy about guys. Obviously we all do, but as much as I love her, she really does get psycho and I feel like she shouldn’t care if she has a boyfriend right now. Help!
I tend to agree with you. This really doesn’t seem like the kind of guy she has rights over. He’s not someone who messed her up big time or that she still has feelings for…they weren’t even a couple and they didn’t even have sex. Like…ok, you made out with him like three times 18 months ago. Cool. If she was really hung up on him, I think you would have heard about him. I feel like guys tend to overestimate their importance in a girl’s life and he’s saying she was “super attached” and I’m thinking she may have just wanted some D. I think you should talk to her and tell her what’s going on, because going behind someone’s back is never the best option, but I really don’t think she has a right to get mad. They made out. If I thought every guy I made out with was hands-off, none of my friends would ever make out again. Kidding. But seriously it really doesn’t matter if she didn’t even have enough of an emotional or physical connection with him to even tell you about him.
okay! so me and this boy have been friends for a while, and I think I started to like him! he’s like totally socially awkward and maybe like a virgin, and I think I just like him because I just got out of a terrible relationship, and the idea of him is great! however due to his social awkwardness he has an interesting way of showing if he even likes me, sometimes I think sure he does, sometimes I’m like uhmmm no he doesn’t! it’s so confusing! and then sometimes I think, I don’t even like him I’m literally settling! but anyways so I decided to ask him to my semi formal because I thought he would be a fun date! I’ve been kind of regretting my decision ever since, because I wanted to have fun and not deal with him being awkward the whole time! but then the other night I went over to his house, and he asked someone else to his semi formal! I unfortunately freaked out, mostly because I was hammered and irrational! I let him see my crazy side, which I try to keep hidden for at least a few months! I was crying and being so overdramatic! he kept trying to talk to me, and I was just being a little bitch! soo then I went home and he walked all the way to my house in the rain to talk to me! I opened the door and told him that I already asked someone else (a boy from his fraternity) and that I hope he has a blast with that other girl! he stormed off and seemed pretty mad! I texted him the next day, and said I was sorry and that I would still love to go with him to semi if he still wanted to go! he hasn’t responded! what do I do? do I go with him or should I go with the other guy? I don’t want to ruin out friendship!
First of all…woah girl, you really like exclamation points. Secondly, you don’t sound like you’re in any position to be starting up a new relationship. This is your friend, I don’t think you actually like him, I think you just have a large influx of feelings right now (due to your break-up) and you’re transferring the feelings you have for your old boyfriend onto anyone who doesn’t totally suck. I think if he’s your friend, it should be fine…I’d take the other guy to show that you don’t really care and you were just subject to heightened emotions when you were drunk. Talk to him and apologize if you’d like, but I’d steer clear of trying to start anything up with him romantically. You only let the crazy out because of the transferred feelings. The feelings (and thus your over-reaction) was, in reality, meant for your old boyfriend. Unfortunately, this guy doesn’t know that, so just do your best to play it cool. Obsessively apologizing – not cool. Just a kind of quick apology one time, and then pretend like it never happened.
I know this is a TSM thing, but I need girls perspective on this one. A year ago, I broke up with my ex. I actually met her through her younger sister, at school. We dated for about 6 months. Things got pretty serious. Unfortunately, I took a job out of state early on. We weren’t really at the point where she was going to follow me, but we weren’t at that point where it was easy to break things off either. We tried the long distance thing. Didn’t work. We stayed friends. She dated some other guy for a while. Due to some unrelated drama between those two, her and I lost touch. new phone, email, delete the old facebook.
Anyway, the fact is, I am still not even close to over her. I have dated other girls. I compare them to her. They lose. I say next. It is kind of sad really. I am just hung up on this girl.
Flash forward to present, and I am doing amazing with the new company. My schedule and means are such that I could see her several times a week, even in another state.
I was thinking of writing her a letter, but honestly, I am afraid of coming off to strong or creepy or something. The only form of contact info I have no is her address. I think showing up at her house is too much.
I don’t feel like I won’t live with out her, but I do feel like it was better with her, if that makes sense. Girls are so quick to tag a guy with the creeper status these days. I don’t need her thinking I’m obsessed. I’m not. What should I say?
First thing’s first: don’t think showing up at her house is too much…know it. Know absolutely and 100% that showing up at her house is way too fucking much. Not everything gets you the creeper label, but that, my friend, would. Moving on. It’s important to keep in mind that you may be remembering her better than she was. All the other girls you’ve dated…something went wrong, or you didn’t like them that much…that’s why you broke up. I hate to compare this situation to a death, but it’s more similar in nature to that than to your other breakups. Everything was perfect and then it just ended, almost with you having no choice in the matter. People remember the good things of those who have passed and tend not to remember the bad, and I think you’re doing the same thing because there is no glaring bad thing to focus on and there was no “reason” per se for your break up. This could be why you are still feeling hung up on her.
With that said, I don’t think it would be creepy to get in touch with her. You two dated. You were significant in one another’s lives and you didn’t even break up that long ago. You say she deleted her old facebook, but surely she has a new one. I think it would be fine for you to shoot her a message and a friend request. I wouldn’t go all in with like a “hey, I have a new job now, we could totally make it work.” I think if you were to send her a message and you were like, “hey, this totally random thing reminded me of you, what’s up” that would be fine. You’ll see how receptive she is to having a conversation with you and maybe meeting up to catch up, and then you can get a feel for whether or not things could reignite.