Welcome back to Ask Hot Piece. Real advice from a neutral party about boys, besties, blackouts, and everything in between. E-mail me any time (firstname.lastname@example.org) and the columns will come out weekly.
So I’ve been seeing this guy all summer in the fraternity I’m closest with and things are going well except he keeps not wanting to make things official. He deemed us exclusively seeing each other but that’s it. He’s older than me but I have a lot more experience than him and I feel like that may be playing into it. He’s also never been in a relationship before, not that he’s a player, it just hasn’t happened for him yet. I’m a relationship kind of girl and this not knowing is driving me crazy. I’ve tried to bring things up but he says he doesn’t want to rush anything by changing what we have.
We’re exclusive but that’s it!!! That’s HUGE! I think it sounds like you have a really great thing going here, honestly. He’s never been in a relationship before, so naturally one with you, being more experienced than he, would be super intimidating for him! He doesn’t know anything about relationships and they can be really scary for someone who’s never experienced one before (and even for many people who have!). He likes you. You are seeing each other EXCLUSIVELY. He’s not a player, he’s a good guy. I’m sure you’ll be at all of each other’s date functions. If he pays for you and buys you presents (and if he’s not, I’m sure he soon will), what exactly is the difference between what you’ve got going and a boyfriend? I think you have a really awesome situation, and if he needs time before he’s ready to be “official,” then I think you need to respect that. Have fun with what you’re doing and don’t put so much pressure on the situation. If you’ve had tons of boyfriends before, maybe this challenge will be a good thing for you. Exclusivity is like the main big thing here, and he wants that. Just because he’s not ready to like meet your parents and pick out china doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for you. Be patient, young grasshopper. I’m not saying wait forever, but speaking as a person with commitment issues, I can honestly say, if someone were to force me into a relationship, I’d totally resent them for it, and that relationship would end badly. Plus it really sounds a lot like he already is your boyfriend, so I see no need to make a big fuss about it.
I’ve been talking to this guy for almost five months now. We have a ton of mutual friends and met at a social last semester where we totally hit it off. It was great hooking up and spending time together, but I was excited and surprised when things lasted over summer! I ended up visiting him a couple times and it was so fun. I’ve been back for a week now and the first few days we spent all our time together – I slept over every night, he’d take me out to lunch, we’d already invited each other to our date parties. I was so happy, but definitely not ready to jump into some facebook official relationship or anything. And then all of a sudden, out of the blue, he started completely ignoring me. I know for certain I did nothing wrong, but he’s announced to my own sisters that “we’re done” and “I’m over her.” Friends have said maybe he got scared of how fast we were getting close and didn’t want to get too serious with anyone right now considering he did just get out of a long relationship less than a year ago. I’m dying to know what really happened though and why he randomly started giving me the cold shoulder, but I also don’t want to be that dumb girl or seem desperate or anything so I haven’t reached out to him about it. Why is he doing this and what should I do?
Guys do tend to get really scared about things like this because they just assume every girl wants to be their girlfriend and don’t realize that we, too, are capable of a more casual situation. Stupid, I know. However, this approach of completely ignoring you and these “we’re done” and “I’m over her” proclamations are super aggressive. I don’t know this guy so it’s really hard for me to diagnose the “why” behind it. It sounds to me like he’s angry at you for something, but if you really don’t think you did something it could be fear, like your friends say. He’s handling it really shittily. I think sending your friends to go ask him about it might be a little childish, and at this point he’s really not treating you well. The cold shoulder is so immature, at least if it’s forever it is. If you really want to know what’s going on, you’re just going to have to bite the bullet and ask him. I wouldn’t approach it like “please talk to meeeeeee.” More like “listen, if you want out, that’s fine, but the way you handled this situation was really shitty. I don’t want anything from you but an explanation, and I think I’m owed that.” You know, in whatever words, but that basic tone. If he doesn’t respond, he can go fuck himself. But don’t ever make out with him again when you run into him at the bars if that’s the case.
I need your wonderful advice. See, I’m starting at culinary school in about a month. And after years in a sorority and being at a big state school for college, I’m nervous. I always used my sorority as my way to make friends, and I’m scared I’ve forgotten how! I know that sounds really sad, but all of my friends at school before were Greek! And now I’m without that, and off in this new environment, and I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Plus, I went to this orientation BBQ a few nights ago, and this school seems to be filled with hipster GDIs. I’m so worried I’m not going to make friends and I’ll come off as a bitchy stuck in the past sorority girl. Please tell me you have some advice for me!
It doesn’t sound sad at all. Going to a new place is scary. I’m sure you were scared to make friends in college too. I was. But you did, and you will again. Everyone is a little nervous, just be friendly. ALL of my friends who went on to graduate schools made friends in their programs. Don’t be afraid of the hipster girls. I know it probably feels like you have nothing in common, but I promise it’s not true. My new roommate participated in the Occupy Movement. That’s not a joke. She participated…in the Occupy Movement. And other than some bizarre hippie qualities we really get along and go out together all the time, and she’s even got me on some hippie detox thing that I’m pretty sure is going to kill me. And does the “sorority girl” stigma exist? Maybe a little. I tried not to lead with it, but obviously it was a huge part of my college career. She and her boy tease me about it sometimes, but I also use it as an excuse for everything now…it’s like a joke. “You’re taking forever with your hair and make-up!” Well, I was in a sorority. “You really think that doucher in the khakis is cute?” I was in a sorority. “So you really never wear pants?” I was in a sorority. See? The advice I was given when I moved to Austin, like a minute ago, was to be your friendly self, and say “yes” to everything you’re invited to and you WILL make friends. I think it’s really the best advice. Be open to different kinds of people, and trust that you’re awesome. It might not happen over night, but I promise you’ll make friends!
Plus, if you’re really struggling with the other culinary students, you can look into other ways to meet people. Kickball is strangely a big post-grad thing with like leagues and teams and shit. And saying “join a club” is probably not realistic, but maybe some sort of class you want to take for funsies, or you can look into this thing Meet-Up, that was suggested to me when I came. It like…organizes clubs sort of…but there are like drinking clubs…and events for people who are new to a city. I haven’t used it yet, but I have friends who have in different cities and they liked it. Best of luck girl! Be excited! Not nervous!
I am a senior and my college and my boyfriend is in his masters program. We have been together almost four years. I can tell being apart for so long has taken its toll on us the past two years (we spent college together my first two years) and it just seems like we are stuck in a never-ending rut. I recently met a new guy who is in a fraternity and we hit it off and have been talking. Its the first time in a while I have gotten those “butterfly” feelings and I don’t know if it’s because I like him or if it’s because I enjoy having male attention again. I’m just confused on where to place my feelings.
Relationships should make your life better and they should make you happier. A LOT of people in relationships confuse happiness with comfort. Long-distance is hard. I did it for two years, and toward the end of it, I felt the same way as you seem to be feeling. I was with him because I was used to being with him and it was comfortable for me. You described your relationship as a “never-ending rut,” and this new guy as someone who “gives you butterflies.” You definitely have at least a crush. I don’t think it’s just that you like the attention, because I’m sure boys have hit on you before in the bar, and you didn’t get butterflies. In fact, you probably shot them down immediately because you were so happily in love with someone else. This feeling is focused on one boy, specifically, otherwise a random drink or attempt at a kiss would be plenty for you. Do I think you should break up (which I think is the real question)? No one can ever make that decision for you but you; however, you need to think about how happy you are in your current situation, because from this description it seems like you’re not super happy and that your boyfriend might not be enhancing your life. Think about life without him and decide if (after the initial I-miss-you-heartbreak) you think you’d be happier or sadder without him. At that point you can decide if you want to have a conversation with your boyfriend and explain that you need a change and to feel like this is exciting again, or have a conversation with the other boy and tell him “hey, sorry I lead you on. I actually have a boyf. Oops.” It’s a decision only you can make though, but doing one or the other is the only way to be fair to all three of you.
I was the sweetheart of my ex’s frat for a little over a year before we broke up. A few of his brothers have approached me about hanging out and catching up since the split, but I’m not sure if it’s appropriate. What are the rules of being an ex-sweetheart?
I’m not sure if being sweetheart even makes a difference here since it sounds like you were the girlfriend-everyone-likes sweetheart rather than the sleeps-with-everyone sweetheart or the obssessively-bakes-and-cleans-because-she-wants-to-be-sweetheart sweetheart. These are your ex-boyfriends friends. You didn’t even mention that you really miss hanging out with them or anything to indicate that they were your good friends too. If you had really strong relationships with them then mayyybe you could hang out with them, but just “to catch up,” to me, seems a little grimey on their part. I’d evaluate it like this: Did you hang out with them without him before? Did you grab lunch and catch up when your boy wasn’t there? If you did, then maybe it’s okay…like soberly, in the daylight, and in public. Otherwise, I think they’re being shitty friends, and it seems like you may have had an amicable break-up, so don’t be a shitty ex.