31 Reasons Your Dating Profile Sucks Ass


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Nice Move

Girl Tinder Halloween Costume

Dating IRL is hard. You have to be funny, money-conscious, and remember to keep your legs, your mouth, and your past closed. But dating on social media? That ish is even harder. You have very few opportunities to impress the person with a select couple of pictures, a witty caption, and the hope that your selfies say more than just “love me because I can do my makeup and know how to utilize lighting.” Luckily, the people of Reddit have spoken up and said all of the reasons they swipe left on a fox like you.

As usual, the quotes are from them and the comments are from me because if I’ve learned anything it’s that you must always, always have the last word.

  1. Any show of anger or flippant disregard. You have 400 characters to summarize yourself and attract people, maybe don’t have a tantrum.
    DON’T FUCKING TELL ME WHAT TO DO YOU DICK I’M A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DON’T NEED NO MAN (except lol I kind of want one hence me being on this dating app. Holla @ me). 
  2. At my age (22) I leave your profile immediately if you have a kid, regardless of how attractive you are otherwise.
    Just pull a Miranda and don’t tell people if you accidentally got knocked up.
  3. Bad photos. Like it’s all group photos where I can’t pick you out easily or poor quality ones where I can’t really tell what you look like.
    Like you don’t have a million “casual” pictures of you standing in front of a pink wall. *Now* is the time to use them. 
  4. “I hate fake people.”
    Said by only the fakest of people. 
  5. “I tell it like it is” Translates as: you enjoy having loud arguments on your mobile in public places.
    Don’t forget the passive aggressive sighs and angry tears behind our sunglasses! 
  6. Baby pictures of themselves. Why the fuck would I care what you looked like as a baby? I don’t even know you.
    Because I was hella cute as a baby and I want you to know what we could create together. 
  7. Excessive use of emojis.
    Kindly fuck off. 😈
  8. Women who say things like “Oh God I hate this” or “Such cringe, can’t believe I’ve signed up for online dating!” and so on.
    But like, this isn’t how it happened in any romcom with Tom Hanks so…
  9. Those who finish mere statements with question marks: “My hobbies include watching TV, going out and having drinks with my friends??”
    Sorry if my use of punctuation annoys you? Maybe we wouldn’t be right for each other? If something like this annoys you? 
  10. When a majority of their pictures are of them with alcohol or of alcohol.
    What am I supposed to do? Get other hobbies? 
  11. “Just ask”
    No but really. Just ask.
  12. If someone has as a headline “OMG! Where are all the decent men?” or something similar then I’ll skip their profile.
    Then just tell me where the decent men are! TELL ME! 
  13. “I don’t like drama.”
    Well come on. This is just a joke. We all love drama. You just don’t understand good comedy. 
  14. “I’ll probably like your dog more than you.” Well you can go ahead and date my (nonexistent) dog, and I’ll go find a girl who actually wants to date a human.
    See? That’s just the kind of thing your dog would never say to me. 
  15. “420 friendly.”
    What can I say? I need someone who’s down with a little Hufflepuff-puff-pass.
  16. The word “princess” or a variation of spelling anywhere.
    *casually readjusts crown.*
  17. “Love to laugh” is code for “lacks any distinct interests that are worth mentioning.”
    Which is also code for “good luck getting laid, asshole.” 
  18. Never trust a girl who loves horses.
    Never trust a guy who doesn’t trust a girl who loves horses.
  19. I like to travel.” So far the people who’ve had this on their profile have been the kind of people who say travel is worth every penny, yet they’re 22 and clearly don’t make enough money to fly across the world to Europe for two weeks every six months. So you have rich parents, good for you, friend.
    And you’re saying having rich parents is a problem?
  20. “Platonic only.” Okay. We don’t need to fuck right away, but…you’re on a dating/hookup app. Kinda sending mixed signals here.
    It’s just practice for the 50+ years of mixed signals you’re going to get. 
  21. Pictures with guys. Is that your boyfriend? Is that your brother? Either way maybe don’t put those pictures on Tinder.
    Guys want what other guys want. That’s just Attraction 101. 
  22. Seen quite a few profiles with tributes to dead grandparents etc. Really not the right vibe as far as I’m concerned.
    Granny would not approve (RIP). 
  23. Women who take photos of themselves in nightclub toilets. Nope.
    If she manages to get that past her standards chair that’s a miracle in itself (side: don’t actually do this, though. You don’t deserve love if you do this).
  24. “Looking for my swolemate.”
    Hey, at least you know she’ll be hot. 
  25. The Snapchat dog filter.
    How dare you?!
  26. Crown of flowers too.
    You never said anything about the butterflies, though.
  27. “I’m a country girl, I like fishing and mudding.”
    It’s like telling a guy he’s the best we’ve ever had — we’re just trying to say what we think he wants to hear. 
  28. Anything about how their ex screwed them over. Anything that makes them seem like a “victim.”
    I hear ya. But in my defense, Adam really was such a dick. 
  29. Spelling.
    Sry 4 b-ing meee.
  30. When all of their photos are selfies from the same angle that don’t show their full figure. 9/10 they’re hiding something like mild obesity or a peg leg.
    I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly. 
  31. “I’m not happy, change that.”
    I’m just saying what we’re all thinking. 

Arranged marriages are starting to sound more intriguing by the minute. Jk. Sort of.

[via Reddit]

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(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable. Hate mail and puppy videos can be sent to: rachel@grandex.co

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