Being Exclusive Is Not The Same As Being Together


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Nice Move


Two months into talking to my current fuckboy of choice, I decided it was time to ask him ~the question~. I was ready to figure out if there was any real chance of a future here and whether he was DTR (or not). Because I was feeling particularly bold, I went for it stone cold sober and in person; no hiding behind alcohol or phone screens for me. At a very appropriate place and time, I turned to him and eloquently asked if he saw a future with me and, if so, where he saw us going.

LOL, just kidding. It happened right in the middle of an NFL and chill sesh and came out like I was a toddler just learning to form sentences.

“So, what is…I mean what are…or like where do you see…do we have a…yeah…”

Despite the fact that I was clearly not speaking English, his commitment radar must have gone off because, by the look on his face, you would have thought I had just told him I had our wedding colors and the names of our first three children planned (which I did, obviously, but he didn’t need to know that).

“Oh, shit, babe. Uh, well, could I think about that and get back to you?”

This should have been the first red flag, but silly me, I told him to take his time and let me know what he decided. A few hours later, I got a text saying that because of bullshit reason #1 and bullshit reason #2 he didn’t think dating would be a good idea for either of us, but “we could still be exclusive, right babe?”

This is the part of the story where I make the biggest mistake. I said yes. Being exclusive sounded good to me. Looking back on it now, I realize that’s because he and I had entirely differing ideas of what being exclusive meant.

When he told me he didn’t want to talk to other girls and didn’t want to get with anyone else, I was happy because I looked at it like we were beginning a little baby relationship. We wouldn’t have labels or anything like that yet, but they were definitely going to come in the future. I went into it thinking that even though he didn’t want to date me now, he would someday and all I had to do was stick with “being exclusive” for a little before I had a full-fledged boyfriend.

This is where I was so, totally, completely wrong. Let me teach you something: being exclusive means virtually nothing. It doesn’t mean he wants to be with you. It doesn’t mean he wants a relationship with you. It doesn’t mean he’ll be your boyfriend someday. It doesn’t mean the two of you have a real commitment. It doesn’t mean he sees a future with you. It doesn’t mean anything besides “I’ll try my hardest not to bone someone who isn’t you and I might ignore the snapchats I get from the other seven girls I was talking to before this conversation.”

Because I’m so much more wise and mature now, I see this whole concept is bullshit. Don’t settle for it. Don’t trick yourself into thinking this is a good thing because it’ll help you grow together or whatever. Don’t let someone take advantage of your feelings like that.

Now, if you’re someone who’s just looking for casual sex, then props to you, girl. You can ignore all of this. I’m talking to the girls who want relationships, who want a boyfriend, and who want that commitment. I know that I thought the idea of exclusivity wasn’t a bad one, and it isn’t, but if he’s just using it to keep you around for selfish reasons, you’ll know it deep down. There’s a boy out there who won’t hide you in his dorm room so his friends won’t ask questions, who wants to meet your family, who is worth your time. Give it to him, not to a fuckboy who wants your attention, but won’t commit to you.

You deserve to get what you want.

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