Being In A Relationship Is Just Collectively Deciding What You’re Going To Eat Next

I enjoy dating. I think the concept itself is really funny, because it’s basically just picking a human to stand next to in social situations and tell all your personal feelings to. A relationship is essentially a test run for marriage. You either decide you like the product, or you continue gathering information until you decide you’d rather try something else. That’s a mildly terrifying way of looking at it, but it’s also the truth, so what can ya do.

The weirdest part of a relationship, and the part you don’t even consider until you start spending every waking moment together, is that you and your S.O. are going to systematically discuss food for the entirety of your time together. Think about it. Eating is one of the things we have to do multiple times a day that we don’t actually hate. It’s not like showering or going to work– it’s something we generally look forward to. It’s cute to say “a girl’s gotta eat,” but at the end of the day, a girl literally HAS to eat. After all, humans are weak beings that depend on a steady flow of food to keep them from deteriorating, or worse, resorting to the hangries.

The discussion is constant, recurring, and makes itself present the second you express interest in a dude. Picture a first date—dinner and a movie, right? Or dinner and a concert, or a sporting event, or ravenous premature sex. Whatever unimportant activity you choose to pair with your meal, the food is the center point of any decent date. Well, the food and the booze, if you’re doing it right.

When you progress from the dating stage to the relationship stage, the conversation becomes that much more hostile. Because now, you’re no longer offering a nonchalant, “Wherever you want to eat is cool with me!” No, now you’re comfortable enough to demand that he take you to Chipotle because you’re sick of pizza and if he doesn’t get you some guac RIGHT NOW, he can go fuck himself.

Eventually you’ll have to face the fact that you’re going to occasionally live separate lives (a.k.a. eat separate food), even though you want to maintain the relationship. You’ll be cool chowing on your sushi while he pigs out on pasta, even though you thoroughly judge his life choices and aren’t even sure you really know who he is anymore. I mean, what kind of self-respecting human being chooses spaghetti over wasabi? Fucking animal.

But life goes on, and before you know it, you’re back to discussing the perfect combination of condiments to accommodate your fries. You won’t always agree on everything, but the moments when you realize you’re both dying for a milkshake or an entire sleeve of Pringles are truly magical. .