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Benefit Releases New Boner-Inducing Mascara, The Results Are In His Pants

Most women don’t particularly like to look at penises. They think they’re strange, and ugly-looking, and like, why do you have a third mini-leg coming out of your pelvis? Shit’s weird. I’m not most women, however. I find that the right penis can be perfectly aesthetically pleasing. One time, I had a conversation with a friend of mine about this, and she was the only person who’s ever agreed with me on the topic. We would talk about our love of backs and peens for hours. She’s a lesbian now, so I think she may have been overcompensating. So I might be the only girl in the world who actually finds penises attractive sometimes. Leave the balls at home though. Balls are gross.

This basic fact makes Benefit’s new mascara advertisement unrealistic.

(Almost) no one likes penises, no one likes a man in a speedo, and NO ONE likes Vinny Guadagnino. That mechanic dude, though, he can get it. Or give it. Have it. Whatever, I’d like to dry hump him.

The advertisement appears on YouTube and on Benefit’s website as a means to promote their newest mascara “They’re Real,” which I actually hear is pretty awesome, but am yet to try. The video sort of, kind of, relates to the product (i.e. not really at all), because they use fake boners to promote real-looking lashes, and a reality television star, because he’s real and fake at the same time. Duh.

[via Mashable]

Image via YouTube

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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