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“Boyfriends Of Instagram,” You’re Not Heroes

BFs of Instagram

Boyfriends, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but the main reason your girlfriend is keeping you around is to up her Instagram game. Unfortunately (for you) it’s not the amazing sex keeping her around. If she was really looking to get laid, her desires could be met in a matter of minutes after going to a sleazy bar in a push-up bra. Do you know what need can’t be met by a stranger? Getting a slew of photos that will reach a minimum of 200 likes.

When you’re feeling yourself at the bar, and you’re enough drinks in that you DGAF about asking a complete stranger to take your pic, and explain to them that you want them to take it while you’re not looking at the camera (it’s called a candid, OK). Then, they take one blurry photo of you, where your arms look far too fat for you to consider doing anything but deleting it immediately. By the time you’ve finished reeling from your captured ugliness, and are ready to give it another shot, they’ve disappeared back into the crowd of people.

A boyfriend knows that one photo isn’t going to cut it. He also knows that he’ll be banished to the couch if he doesn’t take it on the exact right angle. Most importantly, he knows to start damage control early, by telling you how perfect, skinny and cute you are.

You know what this makes him? A decent boyfriend. Not a hero, leader, or saint; just for taking the two seconds to operate a cell phone camera. However, the “Boyfriends of Instagram” Facebook page would have you believing these men are chopping off their dicks because their girlfriends don’t want them leaving the house with them. This is a whole page not only dedicated to celebrating the guys who put in minimal effort to make their girlfriends happy; but demonizing the women that they’re taking the photos for.

Firstly, these men are not heroes. This average Joe is probably glued to his own phone 24/7, and, if he’s a capable, adult male, he’s more than likely able to use the painfully simple iPhone camera (trust me, I’m sure if I put in the effort, I could teach my dog how to operate it). He’s certainly not taking a significant amount of time out of his day to get a good shot of you. Come on, all you want is a photo of you throwing what you know; you’re not expecting a professional photoshoot – just one that gets your face in the shot. We’re not going to dedicate a Facebook page to the girls out there go to sports games that they don’t give AF about with their boyfriends, put up their annoying “bros” or sit there and smile when they explain how much they lift — in painstaking detail. The thing is, these activities don’t make us “heroes,” they make us human beings who aren’t completely selfish in their relationships; and are capable of engaging in a give-and-take with the other person.

Aside from a girlfriend/boyfriend context, these guys still shouldn’t be reserved as saints for taking an Insta pic of random girls. One post suggests that the guy taking an unnecessarily complicated photo of two girls on the beach was going to get laid later; as a direct result of his actions.

To avoid going on too much of a rant – all I’m going to say is that it is going to take a lot more than the snap of camera to get these girls in bed with you. Unfortunately (for you) girls have standards; and just being able to press a button isn’t going to meet them.

Secondly, these women aren’t bimbos; and, more importantly, no woman is a bimbo just for having a strong Instagram game, or wanting the world to know that she looks hot AF in a bikini. Just because they’re asking for help, with something that they legitimately can’t do on their own (because no ones wants too many selfies) doesn’t have any correlation with them being, stupid, vain and demonic. Unless they are truly hideous, there is no reason or explanation for why they would have the boyfriend out in the sun for eternity, photographing them… which means that they’re probably not. The photo that you’re seeing on this Instagram page is simply a moment capture – you have no idea how long the man has been photographing her, what their relationship, or whether she was taking shirtless photos of him the moment before.

At the end of the day, it’s really fucking stupid for there to be so much internet attention dedicated to celebrating the men who are able to use an iPhone camera, and demonizing any woman who wants to actually be celebrated for looking good. Such a normal social interaction doesn’t need this sexist bullshit; but in fear having my own face plastered onto this site, or having the random guy I asked to take my picture think that he’ll also be taking me home that night, next time I’m feeling myself I’m just going to ask another girl to take my pic.

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crazygirlfriend

Hiding from my mother and standards, both of whom would disown me if they heard most of these stories. Aspiring law school student, with a chihuahua named Bruiser and a head of unnatural blonde hair. Email me your "crazy" stories or any mixed drink recipes that taste like juice, but have copious amounts of vodka in them at crazygirlfriend.tsm@gmail.com

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