If you use a sex toy that you gut with your Burger King meal, congratulations… you have officially hit rock bottom.
Now I’m all for sex toys, and I’m not one to judge. I don’t care if your dildo is pink, glittery, has two heads or vibrates to a Justin Bieber song. However if you needed to pick off stray pieces of shredded lettuce off of it, and sanitize it five times simply to get rid of the lovely smell of chemicals (that are supposed to smell like meat); I’m not going to hold back on the punches.
Just in time for Valentine’s Day, Burger King is selling an adult meal, which, you guessed it, comes with a free adult toy. By adult toy, I don’t mean a corkscrew, or a remote for binge watching Netflix; I mean, an adult adult toy.
Their advertisement shows a sleep mask, feather duster, and scalp massager as the prizes… but something tells me that these conservative items might not be the only things that you’ll find in your adult meal. What more could you possibly want then a romantic evening of self love; and by self love, I mean shoving a Whopper into your face before locking your door and praying that your roommates don’t come home (youknowwhatimean).
I also think that it’s important to add that I would rather die (or be single and alone) than have someone treat me to Burger King for two, before surprising each other with the toys found at the bottom of the bag. Would you start foreplay between your burger and fries? Would you pause the whole ordeals until you’ve finished your supersized milkshake? Would it be common courtesy to both get up and brush your teeth to avoid the inevitable garbage breath? I don’t know whose definition of romantic this is, all I know is that I would rather not associate myself with them. If you’re so pressed for time that you don’t have time to get your fast food fix and swing by the local sex toy shop; I would suggest that you pass on the greasy food.
Don’t think that I’m slamming fast food either. I’m also all for a some salty 2am fries after a night at the bar… actually, there’s literally nothing I love more. I also see a certain charm in low key dates; after all, you can’t love someone until you see what they look like trying to shove a Big Mac into their mouth. However: there is a time and a place, and while I love and appreciate greasy fast food and adult toys, there is no way that you can convince me that these two things go together.
For now, this special combination is only available in Israel… but, who knows, they might be around in your local college town just in time for next Valentine’s Day (where you’ll probably still be alone).
All I know is that next time I go through the drive-through and ask for a combo, I better be receiving my fucking fries instead of a dildo with my burger..
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