I chug coffee like it’s my job. But, to be entirely honest, I think that coffee tastes like the dirt of hell. This sad but universally true fact is what led me to overdosing on pumpkin spice lattes after my stomach couldn’t handle the sugar and chemicals that are needed to cover the bitter taste of espresso. So nowadays, you can find my grumpy ass with a cup of black coffee – but that’s about to change.
Avitae, a brand of caffeine water that we never knew we needed, is now expanding their line of products to nearly fifty more Whole Foods Market stores. The expansion is planned for the mid-Atlantic region, but I personally think that this new phenomenon will infiltrate the public water supplies before long. The caffeinated water comes in flavors including blackberry and tangerine, but also comes in the flavorless forms for those of us who are trying to live natural lifestyles. Better yet, multiple options are available in regards to the caffeine levels of the products – so you can choose your all-nighter.
After hearing about this magical drink, I started to think about other things that we need in this world.
- Calorie-Free Alcohol
If caffeinated water is a thing, calorie-free alcohol seems like the next logical step. Vodka is made of potatoes, right? Practically a vegetable. We’re getting closer.
- Self-Cleaning Makeup Brushes
Think of all the time you spend meticulously washing your makeup brush collection. Or worse, think of all of the time you don’t spend washing them.
- Tampon Alarms
Imagine a world with leak-free periods and no worries about whether or not you’ll get toxic shock. Oh, and no more period panties.
- Erasable Paint
No more repainting coolers! No more attempting to respell your little’s name on her paddle! No more mental breakdowns!
- Calorie-Free Food
Okay, so this may be a stretch.
If you guys don’t hear from me again, assume that I have received a patent for one of the above ideas and become a secret millionaire. But until then, I’ll be drinking my caffeine water and trying to figure out how to make that calorie-free vodka..