Can We Take A Second To Pour One Out For All Of Our Ex-Boyfriends’ Dogs?


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Breakups are hard. Well, sometimes they’re hard. Other times they’re just similar to that feeling you get when you take off your bra after a long day. You know, the one that comes with an audible “Ahhh” of relief.

Still, some breakups really do hurt. Every split comes with an unspecified amount of cry time, also known as a mourning period. It’s during this phase when you purge your playlists of all of your favorite couple songs, attempt to sleep like a starfish to make your bed seem less empty, and make the dreaded “burn or return” decision in regards to all of his clothes. Hopefully when you’re done with this time, your head is a little clearer, your tear ducts are dry, and your heart feels a little less broken.

But one thing that will haunt you forever is the crippling absence of your best friend. And I don’t mean that sack of shit that cheated on you, or ghosted you, or did whatever he did that made you two split. No, I’m talking about his dog. You know, that fluffy little mongrel that slowly but surely creeped his way into your heart? The pup who sandwiched you between you and your ex boo. That one aspect of your relationship that actually worked. The happy, energetic buddy who made you second guess your decision to end the relationship, or cry yourself to sleep for weeks if he was the one to call it quits.

When you’re torn away from your fuzzy friend, you’re left with an empty, longing feeling—just like the one you get when your favorite fraternity gets kicked off campus. All you want to do is tell your bud how much you really care about him, but you can’t because A) your ex is a shithead who wouldn’t give you visiting rights, and B) you don’t speak dog. You’re left with zero options once you realize how morally wrong (not to mention illegal) it would be to stage a dognapping.

So ladies, I think it’s time we pay homage to the dogs we’ve lost. Here’s to the Fluffys, Spots, and Fidos that have left pawprints on our hearts. We couldn’t care less about their owners, but their furry friends stayed in our hearts long after we picked up a new, dogless slam. I doubt we’ll ever forget the dogs we fell in love with, even if we forgot about our exes the moment they started posting Instagrams with that bitch Amy. These pups were our real, true friends, and we were torn away from them without offering some sort of an explanation. If we had the time and the capability, we might try to tell them that it wasn’t their fault, that we love them, and that no dog will ever take their place.

This featured image is a stock photo from our database. The puppy photographed is not in any way associated with the story.

Lucky Jo is much less medicated than her mother and sister, and she tends to think that’s a good thing. She's the newest full-time addition to the Grandex office, which is probably why they gave her the shittiest desk. In her free time she enjoys scaring small children, judging her peers, and condescendingly talking to GDIs at Starbucks. Follow her on twitter for cat memes and complaints. Email her at

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