Chinese Beauty Pageant Measuring Contestants’ Nipples

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I secretly wanted to be a pageant girl growing up. I would have lost miserably because I was not terribly attractive in my preteen years, and the next closest offer I have received to be on stage and judged for attractiveness was a wet t-shirt contest in Cabo, which I naturally declined.

A pageant in China in which 20 university students compete for Miss…I don’t really know what, has decided to step up its game by including objective measurements in the beauty portion of the contest. Measurements include specifics, like that the space between the pupils must be less than 46% of the distance between the pupil and the ear, and traditional measurements such as chest, waist, and hips, and that the distance between contestants’ nipples must be greater than 7.8 inches apart. All the standard things you know. Hold on, wait. I can vaguely understand the eye thing, which I assume is to have a more western eye placement in the middle of the face rather than bordering on a hammerhead shark, but NIPPLE PLACEMENT?

My research on the subject indicates that nipples which are too close together indicate poorly placed implants, so I am deeming this measure the new anti-doping rules for this pageant. Or if not so much anti-doping, a measure that if you’re competing in a beauty pageant, your implants should be remotely well done.

Now go ahead and measure your own nipples because I know I had to. Thanks, China, for giving me one thing to be insecure about.

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