Chris Brown Claims To Have Lost His Virginity At 8 Years Old

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In a recent interview with The Guardian, Chris Brown revealed a lot of things about himself: he doesn’t know how to speak using proper English, he doesn’t wear baggy clothing anymore, and he lost his virginity at eight years old. That’s right folks, eight years old. Let me put that into perspective for you. Most people turn eight years old in the second grade, are under four feet tall, and under 60 pounds. The sexual prowess of your average 8-year-old involves a “Do you like me? Yes – No- Circle one” note. My favorite show at 8 was Animaniacs.

But Chris Brown, is just not your average guy. After having watched tons of porn with his cousins, (yay for good parenting!) an 8-year-old Brown felt ready to go all the way. I will go on the record saying that when guys get too many of their “moves” from pornography, it leads to a sad, orgasmless life for their ladies. The local girl who showed him the ropes was 14 or 15 years old. His baby-sitter? His tutor? A future prostitute? Unsure.

“It’s different in the country. By that [age], we were already kind of like hot to trot, you know what I’m saying? Like, girls, we weren’t afraid to talk to them.

“I wasn’t afraid. So at 8, being able to do it, it kind of preps you for the long run, so you can be a beast at it. You can be the best at it.”

Look, Breezy, if you’re too young to bleed, you’re too young to breed. I don’t care that you’re a boy. You weren’t even close to puberty. But as long as you ended up being a “beast” at sex. And beast he is, which he goes on to tell us.

“You know how Prince had a lot of girls back in the day? Prince was, like, the guy. I’m just that, today. But most women won’t have any complaints if they’ve been with me. They can’t really complain. It’s all good.”

Really, Chris Brown? Women who have been with you have no complaints? Not one complaint? Not even anything of the “he wrecked my face” variety? I guess you just really are that good.

[via Cosmo]

Image via Metro

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Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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