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Chronicles Of A Girl With Chronic Bitch Face

Bitch Face

Chronic bitch face is a debilitating attribute that affects the facial muscles, causing the afflicted to look like a total and complete bitch. This crippling and socially impairing handicap deems a girl guilty of looking pissed off 80 percent of the time. Symptoms include emotionless eyes, fierce eyebrows, and an overall stern appearance. As a girl affected by chronic bitch face, I can personally attest that it is no fun and quite annoying. It’s not that I’m actually constantly angry or irritated–my face just happens to naturally look like that of a total asshole. I’m not talking about a Tyra Banks type of beautiful fierceness, I’m talking about a chronic Grumpy Cat expression. Unless I’m actively smiling or making an effort to not look like I just murdered a family of six, I look like I’m pissed at the world. It sucks, because other than that, I’m a relatively approachable person (after I’ve had my coffee, that is). You know that you also suffer from chronic bitch face if you resonate with the following situations:

  1. You have to reassure your friends anywhere from five to 10 times a day that you are NOT mad at them.
  2. You may feel totally content and happy, but you look like Kristen Stewart.
  3. You sometimes forget how mean you look and are confused when people avoid eye contact or look terrified to be around you.
  4. Your cute, flirtatious smile actually makes you look like you’ve devised a new murder scheme.
  5. Your family constantly tells you smile, and you’re like, “I’m fucking happy, dammit.”
  6. Interviews are your worst nightmare, because who would hire a girl who looks like she drowns kittens for fun?
  7. The freshmen in your sorority are all afraid of you because you look like a raging asshole.
  8. You get asked the same questions on a daily basis: “Are you pissed about something?” “Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t look okay.” “Are you bored?” “Seriously, what’s wrong?”
  9. You have to respond to these questions, saying, “NOTHING IS WRONG. IT’S JUST MY FACE.”
  10. Your friends eventually open up to you and tell you they were intimidated by you the first few times they met you. You’ve gotten, “I thought you hated me” a solid 15 times.
  11. You have to use a wide array of vocal tones to make up for the fact that your face is stuck in such a bored expression.
  12. You generally give off an awful first impression.
  13. People expect your attitude toward strangers is similar to that of Kanye’s toward the paparazzi.
  14. You’ve learned to avoid arching your eyebrows, because it makes you look like Jafar from “Aladdin”.
  15. That cute guy at the bar seems overly cautious and on-guard when approaching you. You can just tell that internally, he’s like, “Shit, this girl looks pissed, should I go for it?”
  16. Then when you actually smile, you witness a legitimate wave of relief sweep across his face.
  17. Additionally, you give him major props for approaching you when your face says, “I have eight cats and I knit in my free time.”
  18. You have to tell people when you actually are pissed, because your angry face is pretty much identical to your resting face.
  19. In fact, if your face had a slogan, it would be “Get the hell away from me.”
  20. Your cheeks hurt from faking a smile the entire time during a conversation with a person you’ve just met, because you don’t want him or her automatically thinking that you’re a dick.
  21. Nicki Minaj is your spirit animal.
  22. People think you’re PMSing every day of the month.
  23. You look like you’re plotting a mass murder, when in reality you’re just wondering what’s for lunch.
  24. Your boyfriend lives in constant fear that he has done something wrong.
  25. You’ve learned to own your bitch face, because you are awesome and anyone who sticks around through your misleading mask will see that.

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Lucky Jo

Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.

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