Columns

Clothes You’ll Never Get Back, But Also Never Get Over

Clothes You'll Never Get Back, But Also Never Get Over

You’ve been looking for it everywhere, and you’ve recently declared it “missing.” But someone out there in the world knows exactly where they are. In fact, she’s held onto your clothing item for so long, that she’s essentially decided she’s “acquired” it as her own. It will be awhile before she commits to wearing it again. And she’ll never do it where you can see her. But the clothes that have “disappeared” on you, have actually just found a new home, in the closet of a friend you forgot has it.

Your Favorite Sweatpants AND A Random T-Shirt From Your High School Dance Team.
How could you lose your FAVORITE sweatpants, you idiot? And that dance t-shirt wasn’t that serious, but your name is on the back of it somewhere, so that’s got to count as some type of memory. What if your daughter wanted to see it one day! That’s a memory! What you don’t remember is that you leant these items to Ashley when slept over last month.

“No, of course!” you told her. “Wear them home! I wouldn’t make you go back in last night’s dress!”

You fucking fool. Why would you even let anybody else wear your favorite sweatpants? They’re so comfortable, and for some reason, you thought you’d be judged by how comfortable your PJs on, so you leant out a solid set of lounge clothes. But little did you know at the time, that the moment you sent that alcoholic bitch away is the moment you said goodbye to your beloved clothes forever. I hope you’re comfy, Ashley. Next time you sleep in my shit, I’m haunting your dreams.

The Sweater That Is The Perfect Balance Of Oversized And Comfy, Yet Put Together And Cute.
You don’t like to play favorites with your sweaters, but this was a good one. You basically felt like you left the house wearing a cloud when you put this on that fateful morning, but still, you looked like you gave a shit. Any piece of clothing that can accomplish both of those things is special.

Unfortunately, you got out of class with a text that said “WE ARE AT THE MOST IMPORTANT PATIO DRINK OF OUR LIVES, RIGHT NOW,” and you just didn’t have time to stop home to change. But while you live all the way across campus, Jessica lives right next to the bar. She kindly offered you her home to change in — and a leotard to boot! But was it really a kind gesture or was it nothing more than a ploy to steal your sweater? Because you completely forgot you left it there, so you completely forgot to ask for it back. At least you got a leotard out of the deal — as if those aren’t a dime a fucking dozen.

The BRAND NEW Choker Justin Promised He’d Look For After You Hooked Up
What’s worse about this is you know exactly where it is. But you’ll still never get it back, for two reasons:
Justin’s not entirely sure what a choker is.
You might not ever see Justin again.

I mean, you probably will see him again, but it won’t be for a few weeks. And by then, there will have been so many girls in and out of his bedroom, that on the off chance he found a random piece of black string and kept it for you, he still won’t actually know that it belongs to you. Some other bitch might find it first and steal it just to spite you. She can fuck all the way off.

The Extra Sunglasses You Always Keep In Your Bag In Case Of Emergencies
These are crucial. They just a cheap pair of aviators, but you love them, because they go with everything. If you don’t have a specific pair of sunnies for your outfit, you wear these, and they’re always in your bag. But since you always have them, that means you’re always the person with an extra pair of sunglasses.

So when you were day drinking with Courtney, and she complained about having forgotten her sunglasses at home, you felt too guilty not to provide. So provide you did. It would be fine! You’d be with her until dark! You could get them back easily.

WRONG. Courtney’s drunk ass lost your sunglasses in the back of a some dude’s when you were going from a party to dinner, pre-bars. You can try to get in touch with whoever you please — be it a pledge master or your Uber driver, but you know no one’s going to go through the trouble over a $12 Target purchase from three years ago.

The Dress You Let Rachel Borrow For Formal That She “Accidentally” Took Home For Break
Sharing formal dresses with your friends is a rite of passage for any college girl. It’s a simple process. You shop online, find the perfect dress, order it just in time, receive your order, hate it, complain about your body while crying, spend every spare moment for two days at the mall, and then borrow something from a friend that ends up being kind of lowkey perfect.

But the problem with formal is that it’s at the end of the semester. And fucking Rachel simply could not coordinate your schedules after formal to meet up again before you both rushed home for break. And guess what she took home with her? Your fucking formal dress.

It’s practically Newton’s Law that if you have another girl’s dress for more than two months, it’s yours. If that dress travels across county lines with her, though? Good luck being in the same zip code with it ever again.

The Green Jacket You Wore To Kate And Marissa’s Pregame
It’s a cute jacket! You know the army green jacket that basically everyone fucking has? Well, you were a fool to bring it to Kate and Marissa’s pregame. A fool! You put it in a pile of other green jackets while you got belligerently drunk and eventually decided you didn’t “feel like dealing with it at the bar,” so you left it behind.

Big mistake. BIG mistake. HUGE.

You’ll ask them if they found it the next day, and they’ll tell you they “haven’t looked for it yet.” And your jacket won’t show up for months, at which point, they’ll take it upon themselves to share it, because they don’t actually know for sure who it belongs to, only when they acquired it.

The Sorority Sweatshirt You Left At Your Sorority House After A Meeting
Honestly, you fucked up. Every single person in the house has that sweatshirt. There’s no way to even prove that it’s yours. And what’s worse is that even though the girl who ended up with it knows it’s not hers, there’s no way she’s giving it up. That shit is going straight into the pile of shit she’s passing down to her little. So what, it’s the best PR item you guys ever got? Tough nougies.

Email this to a friend

Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

0 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TSM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More