Ah, freshman year. Was there anything better? You unloaded the minivan, greeted the person you’d share a room with for a year, said goodbye to your parents and got ready to ~live.~ From the dorky RA to the lame required floor meetings, the sneaking alcohol into your room and the praying you didn’t get caught for your “totally wild” freshman party filled with shitty music and Burnett’s, freshman year was amazing.
And the best part? The sex. That’s not to say that freshman sex is the best. God no. But that does mean this was the first time ever that you could do what you wanted, where you wanted, with whomever you wanted. And boy, did we. Vice decided to get all of the dirty details when it comes to sex in the dorms. They asked a whole bunch of students all about getting it on in a shared room, a co-ed hall, and a twin XL, and the results will make you weirdly nostalgic. And maybe a little horny — I don’t know your life.
Now that you’re done with university, how do you feel looking back on banging in a dorm?
I fucking loved it. I kind of get off on other people knowing I’m having sex. [laughs]
Don’t we all?
Are you a voyeurist?
I think. Maybe? I don’t know. I don’t want to have public sex or anything, but I’ll leave the door open a crack, or, you know, just talk about sex kind of openly. It’s not an obnoxious thing, although I know it can come off that way.
We all like to talk about sex “kind of openly.” That’s why Snapshot was created. And reality TV. And brunch
Has your sex life died down since you moved out of the dorms?
I’d say it’s normalized. The one thing that was tough was not banging too many people in the building because it becomes a [tense] thing. I have to be a little more selective and put in a bit more work now.
You can’t just walk across the hall and knock on
Slutty Sexy Stacey’s door anymore. Now they have to pull up Tinder and say a few words to us first. Tough break, guys.
Do you think there are any rules people should follow when it comes to etiquette for sex in residence?
Noise. That’s definitely the biggest thing. In [that building] especially, sound travels like you wouldn’t believe. By the end of the year, everyone knows your business, and everyone has heard who you’ve slept with.
Like, literally heard.
You had a year-long relationship with a roommate in your four-person dorm apartment. Tell me about this, please.
Yeah, when we moved in, we were kind of flirty with each other. He was really my type—tan, has that light South American accent, funny. We ended up banging, kind of idiotically, a few days into frosh, and we fell in love for a bit.
Living with your boyfriend by chance? Sounds like a sitcom just waiting to happen. Is this “New Girl?” This has to be “New Girl.”
What was your sex life like?
We fucked pretty much every day, except sometimes I would come home and be tired and, y’know… I think there’s that expectation that, if you live with your significant other, you’re going to fuck more — which we did do — but this also really wasn’t our choice. If I had the choice to have seen him and not been living together, I would have chose that.
Cherish not living with your boyfriends, ladies. At least you don’t have to deal with toilet seats being up, sports being on, and never, ever being able to stick to a diet.
Did you ever have sex in your dorm?
Does Adele Sing “Hello”? Yes, the answer is yes.
Hello from the other side. I couldn’t be celibate if I tried.
Got any notable stories of dorm banging?
Honestly, my floor in first-year was so sex-positive. We had a wall in which we tallied how much sex we all had in residence, and by the end of the year, that board was pretty full. I just remember a couple of times coming home and hearing sex echoing [down the halls].
I do remember at one point four of my friends and myself had hooked up with the same person, and that was just a little weird for all of us. Another weird experience was, as a [floor manager], after having sex and leaving my room to go out and having my students see me and the person leave. Giving you that walk of shame look. Residence walls are way too thin, man.
In college you share everything — food, shampoo, sex partners.
You mentioned to me that you had sex in the common room on your floor. Can you tell me about that?
Sure. It was on reading week, and most people were gone. Me and this girl were really, really into each other—we’d been spending the whole week together. We got pretty high this one afternoon, and the building was pretty empty, so we just kind of started fucking around everywhere. In the bathrooms, behind buildings, in the hallways, and then in the common room.
If you didn’t have sex someplace weird in college, did you even go to school?
Describe dorm room sex to me in one sentence.
Um, lots of moans in a place that looks like prison.
Couldn’t be more accurate, tbh.
What’s the most embarrassing sexual experience you had in residence?
I actually got walked in on while I was getting head.
Oh. So just your average Wednesday in college.
Cleaning staff. I was in our [apartment] living room, and they just came in—I guess it was the day to do that, and I didn’t know. They freaked out and told my floor manager, but I denied it. There wasn’t much I could do except get a slap on the wrist and take a charge on my account.
I mean, what we he supposed to do? Have sex in his bed like a peasant?
What? They made you pay?
Yeah, I think it’s indecent exposure or something because we were doing that in the shared living room. I don’t know. My parents paid for it. They didn’t know what the charge was for.
God bless blissfully unaware parents.
So like, can we go back yet?.
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