The formal cooler. The bane of our existence. We spend WEEKS going to and from Michaels (and back again) to get $100 worth of paint and pens, primer and sealant. We trace and retrace our designs and we cry into an absurd amount of wine bottles as we fuck up the color scheme on his dumb football team mascot. Again.
And then, after a month of canceling plans, staying in, and ruining manicure after manicure thanks to the beer logo you just had to perfect, you hand this work of literal art over to some undeserving frat guy, just to have him scuff it up, forget about it, or burn it when you two inevitably separate.
It’s the fucking devil. And finally, colleges are seeing how much stress these boxes of pain are causing sorority girls. We lose sleep, lose the ability to go to class, and miss out on important functions, which is basically like social suicide.
The United States Board Of College Affairs released this statement early this morning:
It has come to our attention that Panhellenic women have been struggling with the expectation of formal coolers for far too long. These women, who should be concentrating on their degrees, are spending more and more time perfecting a painted box in exchange for a fraternity member to take them on their coveted formal trip.
After much deliberation, we have chosen to ban all colleges in the continental US from taking part in this tradition. We know it comes as a shock, but in moving forward we need to look out for the whole community, and not just the beer drinking frat guys.
While cries from the Greek men can be heard all across the nation, sorority women are rejoicing at no longer having to sand and sand and sand one more time, just to get the damn paint to stick. As a result of this announcement, craft stores are preparing for this major setback. Greek women make up 98% of sales at these establishments, and without coolers, they’re looking at a major decrease in sale. In response to this, both Michaels and Hobby Lobby are planning to close many stores in the coming year. The exact locations are still to be determined.
So what are we going to do in our free time, now that we don’t have to paint a cooler just to go on a drunken trip to NOLA? We could petition for something important, like the right to our bodies. We could probably have a whole internship, which would lead to a life of success and influence. Or we could just drink more because we’re one step close to finally being equal. Without spending a good portion of our lives stressing about painting a piece of plastic, we might actually be able to land boyfriends, get that dream job, and throw out all of the crafting stuff that is taking up a whole corner of our bedrooms.
The end of fraternity coolers might just be the start of our lives.
The only downside to this ruling? The fact that this is an April Fool’s joke. So don’t cancel your Amazon Prime order of paints and tape just yet. Unfortunately for all of us, we aren’t getting out of painting devil coolers anytime soon. Isn’t today just the worst?.
[via April Fools, Bitches]