HOLY LINDSAY LOHAN I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO STRESSED OUT IN MY LIFE. IT’S LIKE THE END OF THE WORLD COUPLED WITH THE BEGINNING OF A NEW WORLD IN WHICH I HAVE TO ACTUALLY TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY FOR MY OWN ACTIONS AND DO AWFUL THINGS LIKE PAY BILLS AND DO TAXES AND COOK MYSELF DINNER ON ALL NIGHTS OF THE YEAR. THERE IS SO MUCH UNCERTAINTY THAT I MIGHT QUITE LITERALLY CRUMBLE UNDER THE PRESSURE. LIKE, I WILL TURN INTO A PILE OF ANXIOUS HUMAN RUBBLE AT ANY MOMENT.
Ok, deep breaths.
*takes shaky sip of wine*
Hello everyone, and welcome to another installment of Countdown To Commencement: my weekly column in which I try my best to outline subjects that we seniors are experiencing in our last semester of college. My deepest apologizes for leaving you all hanging last week, as I was paralyzed in a stress-induced coma. I was revived only by the realization that I had an exam that I was going to be late to, which gave me the motivation to leap out of my bed like Charlie’s grandpa when he found the golden ticket. Except my golden ticket was an exam that was the paper equivalent of a punch to the temple.
Anywhoozle, I would like to take this opportunity to address you all personally. This is an important time in our lives, as I’m sure your mom has reminded you every time you are on the phone with her. Whether you have applied to grad schools or you are applying to jobs, I feel you. This suuuuuuucks. You work your ass off for years, then compile all of that into a one page resumé, and then sit by the phone or extensively check your email to find out whether or not you have a future. It’s exhausting. Belittling. Unsettling. Disconcerting. Draining. Soul-sucking. There are no amount of words to describe the never-ending hopelessness that wakes us up every morning and stops us from being able to sleep at night. But, there is one thing that is for certain.
I have no idea if it’s going to work out.
What did you think I had some sort of wisdom to offer up? Absolutely not! Despite the amount of positive sticky notes my roommates and I have hung up in our apartment, we’re all losing our GD minds. I mean, I guess it’s going to be fine eventually. There’s no universe in which all of us just fall into a pit of despair that we never emerge from. Or is there? Shit, I never thought about that.
If you think about it, at least we’re not alone. Each and every one of us are freaking out about something. Even if you have a plan, you still have no idea what’s going to happen out there. The world is our oyster, but I might be allergic to shellfish. They say you shouldn’t worry about things that you can’t change, but that has become a hobby of mine. So let’s raise an over-filled glass to the worst part of the best years of our life. We’ll make it one day..