Crash Dieting 101

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At some point in time, for whatever reason, we’ve all needed to drop a quick 5 lbs. Spring break, formal, Halloween, the semi-slutty birthday dress, date parties, breakups, to get the upper hand on our new boyfriends’ ex-girlfriend… I mean the list goes on and on. But the question is, are we doing it right? Or better yet, how can we do it better?

Start on Monday

Starting a crash diet on a weekend is just plain stupid. Do you really think you’ll say no to a 2AM honey butter chicken biscuit after a night of drinking? No. Start on Monday, that way when the weekend rolls around you’ve already put yourself through so much agony you wouldn’t consider throwing it away for a late night Big Mac. Plus, those five days of dieting will have you looking noticeably slimmer for your weekend festivities. Can you say win-win?

The Miracle Pill

No, I’m not talking about Plan B (although, that’s pretty miraculous too). I’m talking about that fancy little pill we cough up 4 buck for during finals week and on game days: Adderall. Even though we all claim to have ADD, for whatever reason, most of us never get tested for it. Instead, we rely on those wonderful sisters of ours that have been. God bless ‘em. So if you want to stop eating everything in sight and finally lose some weight, take adderall. I’m not kidding, adderall is the key. Write it on a Post-It, your hand, out of a speech bubble next to your favorite sticker in your Lilly planner…wherever you can to make it sink into your brain. One of those babies in the morning and you’re ready to take on the world. Did I mention it completely erases your appetite? You won’t want food at all. It’s awesome. Just make sure to be nice to your supplier for a few weeks beforehand because you’re gonna have a big order.

Liquids on Liquids on Liquids

If for some reason you didn’t get enough Addy to contain your hunger, liquids are crucial. If you’re constantly stuffing your body with gallons of water, you won’t be hungry. I promise it works. The one downside is you’ll have to pee a lot, but I’d take that over being fat any day. If you’re not ready to fully commit yourself to water and water only, go for an ice cold Diet Coke every once and a while. I wouldn’t recommend drinking a gallon a day, but it tastes good and has no calories so it works. Actually, it tastes heavenly and I probably do consume about a gallon a day, so far be it from me to judge – do whatever you want. Oh, and as long as you use zero-calorie sweetener and no cream, coffee is an option, too. And remember, Jesus did it for 40 days and 40 nights… I think you can handle a week.

An apple a day keeps the love handles away

So since we both know seven days without food is physically impossible, there are a few snacks that are crash diet approved. First are apples, they’re fruit so duh they’re healthy. They also have this special thing about them that makes you feel full for nearly two hours afterward. This doesn’t mean you can start packing a bag of apples with you, though. Too much of a good thing can be very bad for you, but more importantly, no one wants to be friends with “the girl with the apples.” Moving on, a good way to get the protein you need without the extra calories is beef jerky (gross, I know. But it’s fine for operation skinny). No, it’s not just for boys. Although I don’t recommend eating it within a 20-foot radius of one, it kinda smells like a foot. Just sneak a few bites and you’ll control your hunger through chapter and the follow-up pledge class meeting. I’m telling you, the stuff really works. For those of you who want to consistently eat throughout the day, go with sunflower seeds. But keep in mind that we are ladies and ladies don’t spit things in public…or in private…so keep the seeds for home use only.

Just say NO to mealtime

One of the wonderful perks of being in a sorority is having the house chef cook our meals. And the cherry on top is flirting with the precious houseboys as they clean it up afterward. But listen, that rich, creamy, cheese-filled, ranch covered, deep-fried dinner won’t do anything for your figure. Just stay away. Temptations will get the best of you if you step in the dinning room during mealtime. Trust me, I’ve gone through that buffet line with the best intentions possible and ended up leaving 1,000 calories heavier and hating myself. Plus, houseboys don’t find you sexy when you’re shoveling food into your mouth. So channel your inner Jenny, make like a bird and fly far, far, far away from there. Oh and sure, the meals are free and that’s hard to pass up, but guess what else is free? Water. So stop complaining and drink up, buttercup.

Break a sweat

Break out those Nike Frees and Lululemon headbands, ladies. It’s time to stop relying on dieting alone and accept fitness as a necessary component to losing weight. Things like, “I would but I have formal dinner AND chapter,” “I’m too tired, I stayed up till 2 last night working on my project,” or “I don’t want to go to the gym it’s embarrassing,” aren’t good enough excuses. Actually, I take that back. The last one is a good enough excuse. Why? Well for some reason which I will never understand, every D-cup model with six-pack abs insists on running on the treadmill with her shirt off. The gym has air-conditioning for a reason. So you can stop showing off now and wear an XL T-shirt like everyone else. Ok sorry, where was I? Right, you need to workout. It doesn’t matter how you chose to do it as long as you break a sweat. Since you haven’t really been eating, make sure to keep it light. Do some jumping jacks and crunches, or a light jog around the block. If that’s not for you, call your boyfriend and get your workout in with him. I won’t go into detail with you, but just make sure you do all of the work.

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  1. 2
    BamaForRomney

    I don’t like you. You should be promoting a sensible year round diet, not this unhealthy and unattractive method. If you’re going to keep writing, expect a lot of trolling.

    ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 2 years ago
    • 4
      BritFos

      ^^ i dont believe she will continue writing after the responses she is getting from this. she cant even comment to back herself up..

      You clearly know nothing about dieting sweetie. If this diet plan works out so well for you why dont you upload some personal pics.

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 2 years ago
    • 3
      cegirl

      I agree. This article is promoting something no one should ever promote. Not to mention the eating disorders and problems this can cause.

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 2 years ago
    • 0

      Hmm well considering Morgan played soccer for OSU, a d1 national championship team, I would say she knows quite a bit about dieting and living healthy. Oh and if y’all had any sense of humor, then you would understand the satirical tone of her article. So have fun knowing that you will never be as cool as her.

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 2 years ago
    • 1

      Morgan, I AM proud to call you a pledge sister and I think that this SATIRICAL article is hilarious! Way to go! Love ya!

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 2 years ago
  2. 2

    Even if this is a satire, it’s really dangerous to abuse Adderall that way! You can loose your hair, have seizures, or have serious health problems later! You can also get arrested if you are caught selling it! Sorry about it!

    ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 2 years ago
  3. 0
    PrettyinBows

    Oh my goodness, please don’t ever do this ladies. Eat right and track your calories every day (we all have smartphones, it’s not rocket science) and get enough exercise, and you’ll never have to crash diet.

    ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 2 years ago
  4. -1
    SouthernRubyinPearls

    To the writer of this column,
    I am one of the women pictured in the column photo. I did not authorize this photo to be used in this column and find it offensive. I ask that you detach this photo from this article immediately.

    ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 2 years ago
  5. -1
    srattysooie

    Beef jerky is loaded with sodium and eating less slows down your metabolism. Eating smaller, healthier portions more frequently speeds it up. Dieting like you just wrote about is asking to gain that water weight back the day after the even you’re dieting for. Let’s promote healthy lifestyles instead of crash diets followed by massive amounts of binge eating/drinking..

    ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 2 years ago
  6. -1
    J Fratpont Morgan

    Alternatively (and actually completely healthily), you could just cut your carbs. Eat your fill of vegetables, meat, eggs, nuts, and a little fruit, but leave the grains to the chubby girls. Also, drop the diet soda and drink water. Diet Coke may have 0 calories, but they cause your body to store more fat.

    ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 2 years ago

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