First and foremost, I need to tell you that I fucking love you. Second, I need to request that if at the moment you are feeling at all litigious (meaning, if suing yet another person is something that sounds appealing) then I respectfully request that you stop reading right now. US Weekly and In Touch can float lawsuits, I cannot.
I admit that I wasn’t always your biggest fan. I hope that doesn’t offend you. Quite honestly, I found The Amanda Show to be incredibly obnoxious. I really felt like you needed a swift punch to the face, a line of Zoloft, or maybe both.
When you finally graduated from hanging out with the fat girl from All That, I slightly warmed up to you. You had that one show with Jenny Garth that was kind of endearing. Did you fuck her husband during filming, by the way? I know the cheating allegations just came out last year, but I find it highly unlikely that it was a new development. If you did, you can totally tell me. I’m really good with secrets.
Also, you did that movie with Channing Tatum. I personally have never been attracted to him because I know he is a former male stripper and I didn’t grow up in a trailer park in Daytona, but clearly a lot of people are into that sort of thing. I haven’t forgotten about Easy A. You know, the movie you did with Emma Stone? Remember when you were the most famous person in the film? I bet that stings a little bit.
It’s totally okay, though, because you have pulled the wild card, and that, my dear, sweet, crazy Amanda, is Hollywood fucking gold. Your DUI last year was really well-played. You were smiling in your mug shot, something that takes more balls than even Charlie Sheen has. You sashayed out of jail the next day and literally continued driving as if you hadn’t just been royally fucked by the law. My personal favorite part of that story is that you pleaded your innocence to President Obama via twitter:
“Hey @BarackObama…I don’t drink. Please fire the cop who arrested me. I also don’t hit and run. The end.”
That might be the best tweet I’ve ever seen. Like, ever. As in, everyone should just give up. Amanda Bynes, you win. (Side note: I sincerely hope you didn’t vote for him after he literally left you to rot in jail).
For the few months following your DUI, you popped up occasionally in the headlines, though it was mainly on gossip websites like Perez and TMZ (don’t get angry with me Amanda, I know those are contentious names in the Bynes household). You got kicked out of your apartment for smoking too much weed, you did strange things to your hair, and we learned that seriously, no shit, you really do not know how to drive.
It was bad, but it wasn’t Lilo bad, it wasn’t Britney bad, and it wasn’t Whitney bad. Then it happened. It was as if the clouds parted, drunken angels flocked to the earth, and God himself decided to give me a present: another celebrity breakdown. For the past month, you have been out.of.fucking.control and it has been un.fucking.believable.
First, let’s please discuss your appearance. Between the strange cheek piercings, the nappy extensions, your lips (MY GOD, your lips), the ghetto fabulous make-up, and the new partially shaved head, let me be the first to say, girlfriend, you are something fierce. Then there’s your bat shit Twitter behavior. I’m going to put it out there, and I don’t think that I’m alone, but when you requested that Drake “murder [your] vagina,” I literally lost it. I may have passed out. I might have stopped breathing. It’s unclear if I cried. One thing I do know, however, is that when George W. Bush, or Al Gore, or Steve Jobs, or Benjamin Franklin, or whoever it was (I’ve heard a lot of conflicting names) dreamed up this beautiful thing known as the world wide web, that tweet is what they wanted it used for. In fact, regardless of his involvement in the internet, Al Gore literally wants Drake to murder your vagina. He tweeted it, but his PR guy made him take it down.
Following the Drake incident, you started playing around with what can only be described as the iPhone app’s version of Microsoft Paint. We’ve seen your face on a cat, as a bride, and as a queen, and let me tell you, as someone who took AP Art History my junior year of high school, they are basically masterpieces.
The craziness just keeps on coming. Amanda Bynes, when I say that you are out Lindsay Lohaning Lindsay Lohan, I mean that with the utmost respect and adoration. Please, for the love of God, keep it coming.
Your partner in crazy,
R to R
- Image via Associated Press