1. “I’m all natural! This is just how I look!”
The classic “Oh, this old thing” revamped, when we say anything in regard to our “natural beauty,” we’re lying. What you see before you is not even remotely close to what we really look like. In fact, we’ve spent so much time and energy altering our appearances to meet the higher standard of beauty to which we hold ourselves, that we can’t even quite remember what we look like in our natural states. The tanning, the waxing, the dying, the straightening, the curling, the makeup, the nails — it’s a lot of work. That’s exactly why we don’t like to stick around in the morning. It’s not because we care about what you want, we just don’t ant you to see us looking less than glamorous.
2. “I don’t usually do this kind of thing.”
If this is in reference to our drinking habits or sexpeditions, we actually probably do this between one and four times a week. It’s college, and at this point in our lives, our definition of fun is getting wasting and making questionable decisions, you being one of them.
3. “I’ll be ready in 15 minutes”
When our ETA is in 15 minutes, you can expect that we’re actually just about to get in the shower. From there, it should take about another hour for us to be completely ready. It’s a process. We’ll need to do our hair and makeup, and if we don’t already know what we’re wearing, choosing a flattering outfit can be timely. It’s completely exhausting. At the end of the day, though, it’s definitely worth it. As one wise woman once said, “It’s far better to arrive late than ugly.” Amen.
4. “Oh, I love sports!”
There are definitely exceptions to this rule. There are some girls out there who genuinely love a particular team, an some who even love sports in general, but those are few and far between. Nine times out of ten, when a woman says she loves sports, she’s being pretty dishonest. What she means to say is one of the following:
– “I like drinking while outside.”
– “I like drinking inside a stadium.”
– “That team has a really hot quarterback.”
– “I enjoy tailgating.”
– “I look really good in cowboy boots and a sundress.”
– “I memorize random sports terms and statistics so that I can hold this conversation with you right now, but I don’t actually know whether or not the game is going well.”
Almost no girl likes to actually watch sports, not even cheerleaders.
5. “Other girls are like that, but I’m different.”
Newsflash: if a girl is suggesting that all girls act one way, and she acts another, she is either lying or transgender. Regardless, it’s a red flag that she’s psychotic. Girls who want to separate themselves from other girls by claiming to be above their gender in some way are sociopaths. If she doesn’t have other girl friends, it’s not because she “relates better to guys,” and that other girls are jealous, it means she’s a crazy bitch and other girls don’t want to be around her.