Definitive Proof That Kate Middleton Isn’t Human


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In case you have been living under a rock for the past few weeks, the media has been losing their shit over Kate Middleton’s trip to India. She brought her husband (whoever he is) along, bless her heart, but luckily all eyes were still on her as she cruised her way through southern Asia. Because of all this media attention, I couldn’t help but noticing a few things about the Duchess of Cambridge. After much research, I have finally decided that Princess Kate is, in fact, not human whatsoever.

Here are my findings:

Gravity-Defying Hair

The farthest south that I have ever been was when I went to South Carolina. Even so, my hair resembled a sad, blonde Pomeranian by the end of the trip. I can only imagine what the humidity must be like in India, but somehow Kate Middleton has literally overcome mother nature herself and maintained smooth hair the entire trip. While this could be the work of a personal hair stylist, I am more inclined to think that it’s her supernatural abilities sneakily at work.

Was She Ever Even Pregnant?

Kate Middleton allegedly has two children, but I think that photos suggest otherwise. I had to search the far corners of Instagram to find this rare baby bump photo, and it’s debatable to whether or not Kate is even pregnant here. Because honestly, I look more pregnant than that after eating a burrito. This begs the question: where did her two kids come from?

She Doesn’t Sweat

Thanks to the lovely folks over at E! Online, it has come to light that not only does Kate have impeccable hair, but she also defies nature by not sweating. While in Bhutan, Kate and her husband (I think his name is Will?) hiked up a literal mountain. But judging from the photos above, Kate didn’t even break a sweat. And that hair? Overall, I’d say it’s pretty suspicious. Now excuse me while I lose my breath on the walk to my refrigerator.

She Lives Her Life Solely In Heels

#KateMiddleton #Bhutan #Himalayan #RoyalTour

A photo posted by POSH AND GLAMOUR (@poshandglamour) on

I can barely make it home on my walk of shame while wearing heels, but Kate once again defies all odds. Not only did she wear heels while pregnant, but she also can do archery whilst wearing her designer stilettos. There are so many questions I have here: how did she not sink into the ground? Why is she able to keep her shoes so clean? How did she not accidentally kill anyone with her bow and arrow?

She’s A Literal Princess

If there is one way to tell a princess apart from the rest of the crowd, it’s by watching animals flock to them. Literally, every Disney princess has had a small army of wildlife behind them. Kate Middleton, it would appear, has found herself a baby elephant as a sidekick. It wouldn’t surprise me if that elephant gives her life advice and crafts her wardrobe for her, too.

I’ll let you be the judge of whether or not Kate Middleton is fully human or not, but I am prone to thinking that she is hiding some sort of super power. First she marries a prince, then she finds her animal army, and soon she’ll be creating world peace and defeating evil. All while in her nude heels, of course.

[via E! Online]

Image via Ismagilov /

PSLsandPearls has been shotgunning lattes and looking good since the mid 1990's. In her free time, she cuddles with any animal she can find and incessantly bitches about how busy she is. You can email her at (note the single PSL).

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