This bad bitch had seven dorks following her around like personal pledges. That’s srat as fuck. They did whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted. She could literally tell them to take shots of that poison that was inserted in the apple and they would fight over who got to go first.
The little mermaid didn’t have such a little sex drive. It’s pretty fucking impressive that she lost her voice and still got that sexy ass land prince to fall head over heels in love with her. Granted, she probably had to spread those nice new legs a few times. But hey. Sex is way more exciting when it’s new and with a goddamn prince.
She didn’t leave the castle for however many years, and still didn’t look like a hobbit girl when she finally got out there thanks to her homemade hair care techniques. That’s legendary. And you know she was up there dancing to Sir Mix-A-Lot or whatever other junk her stepmom threw her way to keep her hot body all of those years. To keep herself entertained, Rapunzel learned to bake mouthwatering baked goods…shaped as penises. Basically, because she was so bored and had to teach herself all of these life hacks, she later created Pinterest, which is one of the most monumental power moves of all.
Aurora didn’t exactly have a “power move.” In fact, she did the exact opposite. All she did was live out all of our dreams: sleep a shit ton, judge people, somewhat run a country, and bang a hot rich dude with nice hair.
Although she was most likely harvesting alcohol in her hell hole and was always inebriated enough to talk to mice all the time, our girl Cindi updated one important life lesson: shoes are actually a girl’s best friend, not jewelry.
Have you ever owned a tiger? Doubt it. Have you ever had a guy try to impress you so much that he takes you flying around on a magic carpet? Don’t even lie; you know you haven’t. And I have a really strong feeling that she’s a magnificent belly dancer. I’m already drowning in envy that I will never be able to give lap dances as good as she can.
If it were modern day, we could say Pocahontas pretty much brought peace between two “fraternities.” No, she didn’t shove the idea of America so far up her father’s ass to where he shitted stars and stripes for a week. But he didn’t end up killing John Smith for boning his off-limits daughter and trespassing on his territory. I bet all of them would grab a few beers together and laugh if they were still alive today.
Skinny little white girl took on a fucking beast in a dress. *mic drop*.