Don’t Dump Your Boyfriend For Your “Mistress”

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Don't Dump Your Boyfriend For Your "Mistress"

No matter how much you swear you love your boyfriend or how fire the Instagram pics of you two are, there will come a time in that relationship where you consider what it would be like to be with someone else. Yeah, I said it. It happens to everyone, and it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re even doing anything wrong. If you’re fantasizing about what it would be like to date young Leonardo DiCaprio or have sex with Chris Pratt, join the club. Every girl in the world (with or without a boyfriend, tbh) has had that fantasy before, and that’s totally reasonable. Sometimes, though, temptation takes on a different form. Sometimes it’s not a celebrity or a famous athlete or someone else totally unreachable, and it’s someone that you know in real life. What really makes a sticky situation is when this guy actually likes you, too, and is trying to convince you that you’d be better off with him than with your boyfriend. This is where shit goes down.

There are always guys who somehow manage to talk the greatest game on Earth, and those are the ones to watch out for. If you’ve got a guy who stays up late texting you things that literally make you want to sit on his face about how well he wants to treat you and how perfect you are in every fucking way, you are in. big. trouble. I don’t know what’s so spellbinding about this type of guy, but they always seem to pop up when you’re going through a rough spell with your boyfriend, and they’re always a bad idea. The terrible thing about a bad idea, though, is that sometimes it feels so good to be a little wrong. When you’re fighting with your boyfriend and he’s being an asshole, it can be very tempting to listen to what the other guy is offering you.

Usually, this happens when your current relationship is past the honeymoon phase, and date nights now consist of arguing over what movie to re-watch and not much else. Gone are the days when every night was sex and roses and more sex. Now, you’ve realized that you hate his stupid friends, and you’re getting tired of his inability to do his dirty laundry in a reasonable time frame. These are details that are typically overlooked in the initial stages of a relationship. They’re discovered later, piece by piece, when you’re lying there during sex studying his face and wondering why his expression looks like he’s trying to solve a mathematical equation. You stop shaving your legs past the thigh every two days, and he stops doing all the things that used to make you feel so special, like letting you come first. This is the time when the other guy swoops in and starts whispering in your ear about how much better he would treat you. I will tell you right now, intoxicating as his words are, they’re not true. Your life is not a Shawn Mendes song. All right, admittedly, they might be initially true. You might get a month or two of bomb sex and unwavering attention, and that can’t be discounted. But fire always burns out eventually.

No matter who you end up with, there will be things that suck. That’s just the way the world works. If you break up with your boyfriend for the other guy, I guarantee that there will be things that you miss about your boyfriend that you never realized before. There will also be things that you hate about the other guy that you didn’t consider when you were sexting him every night. Real life has an obnoxious way of reminding us that even if he turned you on beyond belief when he was the bad boy who wanted to treat you and only you right, there will still be days when you hate him. There will still be days when he does things like drag you to his cousin’s sixth birthday party and you’re forced to sit there hungover, swatting pink balloons and children away from you, thinking how the fuck did I end up here?

Don’t leave your boyfriend for the guy who swoops in and says he can treat you better. Leave your boyfriend if you want, obviously—just don’t do it because it seems like the grass is greener on the other side. I promise you, once you get to the other side, you’ll realize his dick isn’t really that much bigger and he isn’t nearly as good at eating you out as he promised he was. So, choose your fate carefully, and don’t be swayed by the promises another guy makes to you when you aren’t single. Or, if you are swayed, maybe consider indulging yourself without breaking up with your boyfriend at all. That’s why side dicks were invented, right? Just kidding. Sort of.

My favorite things are tiaras, compliments, and free drinks, which are becoming harder to come by the more I tend to show up at the bar in sweat pants. The proudest moment of my life so far has been landing an actual, paying job that allows me to Facebook stalk people for a living. I tweet about my mom way too often, who is constantly trying to remind me that I'm not nearly as cool as I think I am. Please send me funny stories to read at work here: shannon.laynee@yahoo.com

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