In much the same way that Halloween is an open invitation to let your sweater puppies out to play, Spring Break is a shameless opportunity to drunkenly parade your tan and glistening body up and down a beach in front of hoards of ogling fratstars without being considered a total tramp. While the week is an undeniably magical time in which your wildest fantasies may come true, there are a few guidelines we should all stand by to ensure maximum pleasure and minimum disgraceful disappointments.
You know the basics: drink water, wear lots of sunscreen, and don’t sell your organs on the Mexican black market for vodka money. Yet there are a few lesser-known tips that you should keep in mind in your attempt to have a story-topping Spring Break with your sisters. Here are my dos and don’ts for this Spring Break:
DO: Pre-tan Your Tanning
Nobody wants to see you and your sisters looking like a pack of impostor lobsters (Do lobsters travel in packs? Whatever, I digress.), not to mention the woes that come with trying to hook up while you have third degree burns on your ass. So make sure to hit the tanning salon for a solid pre-tan before you frolic in the sun and sand. Besides, we’d hate for you to get back to campus only to find that you have to shamefully untag yourself from every picture so your ex doesn’t see your would-have-looked-hot bod glowing like a tomato.
DON’T: Fall Victim To The Pushup Bikini Trend
I honestly don’t know what Victoria’s Secret is thinking sometimes. Sure, you’ll look like a rockstar strutting your stuff down the beach with your boobs magically up by your chin, but how on earth are we supposed to beach-pong it with the best of them if the twins keep trying to abandon ship? One wrong move, and your ta-tas could be the background of every guy’s phone within a 100-yard radius. Let’s be serious, every guy on that beach was already enticed by your sun-kissed skin and glittering hair, but now he’ll be watching with bated breath and waiting for the golden moment when you lean over to pick up that ping-pong ball. So, if you’re sporting Bs or smaller (bless your heart), go for it, but otherwise stick with the classic triangles and bandeaus that you undoubtedly already have in every neon color.
DO: Flirt With Bartenders
Heavy tipping is for the boys who will be buying your affection with rum buckets, but batting those lashes and flashing some skin will ensure that you and your sisters always get VIP treatment. Plus, what guy doesn’t want the girl who gets showered with free drinks all night?
DON’T: Get On Any Stages
Clambering up on a stage at Spring Break will go one of two ways. You could find yourself amongst the ranks of pale, doughy GDIs for a sobering game of pop culture trivia with your host, a D-list reality star. Or, you could wind up bearing your all in a wet t-shirt contest and landing yourself on the “forever unemployed” list, along with that skank Karen who you sabotaged after she tried to steal your boyfriend. In fact, the only reason you should even be near the stage and away from your post by the beach bungalow bar is to flirt with the hot-bodied camera crew. Get on their good side and you might just score an invite to pre-game in their all-inclusive beach-front suite with their post-grad quality liquor.
DO: DFMO With Every Hottie
It’s Spring Break, so it doesn’t count towards being a slut. That being said, try to avoid shacking up with every hottie. It may not count towards being a slut, but it does count towards contracting chlamydia.
DON’T: Have A Boyfriend
Just don’t. Trust me, it will be more fun for the both of you if you adopt a week long “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy for your relationship. Besides, it’s not like either of you will find your Spring Break soul mates in your constant drunken stupors. If you feel you simply have to have a boyfriend (you don’t), then don’t ruin the good time for the rest of us with your boring, chaste loyalty and incessant whining about how you wish whatshisname were there. Don’t ask us every other second if you think he misses you (he doesn’t), or wonder out loud if he’s hooking up with any sluts on his booze cruise (he is). Do the rest of us a favor and either be single or STFU.