Dr. Seuss Parody: Green Beer and Slams

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Nice Move

Screen Shot 2013-03-20 at 1.39.05 PM

Would you like to go up stairs?
My room is just over there.
Would you like to ram-a-lam?
Do you want to be my slam?

I will not let you see me bare
I will not follow you upstairs
I do not want to let you ram
I do not want to be your slam.

But, do you want to watch a movie?

I do not want to watch a movie
I know that’s code for “touch my boobies.”
I will not let you see me bare
I will not follow you upstairs
I do not want to let you ram
I do not want to be your slam

But we’re right here! This is my house.
If not, y’know, just use your mouth.

I’m well aware this is your house
But def totes not inside my mouth
I won’t go up to “watch a movie”
Or let you put your hand to boobie
You want to bang, but I don’t care,
I will not follow you up there
I do not want to let you ram
I do not want to be your slam

Is it, is it ‘cause you hate me?
Is that why you won’t fellate me?

I do not, do not, do not hate you
I’d just rather not fellate you

Not in this house
Not in my mouth
Not watching movies
Not touching boobies
I will not let you pull my hair
I will not follow you up there
I will not let you ram-a-lam
I will not ever be your slam

Would you? Could you? In the study?
Let me just kick out my buddy!

I would not, could not in the study.

Or we could try the bathroom stall?
Or really, anywhere at all.

I could not, would not in a stall,
Not in the study, not at all
Not in this house
Not in my mouth
Not ‘cause I hate you
Just won’t fellate you
I do not want to watch a movie
I do not want you near my boobies
I don’t want you to see me bare
I don’t want you to pull my hair
I do not want to let you ram
I do not want to be your slam!

A drink! A drink!
A drink! A drink!
Don’t you need another drink?

I need a drink, but that is all
Not from the study, not from the stall.

I won’t get wild in this house
You won’t get wild in my mouth
I won’t go up to watch a movie
I will not let you grab a boobie
I will not climb a single stair
I won’t go in your room, right there
I will not ever let you ram
I will not EVER be your slam!

I’m getting tired of your bitchin’, could we try it in the kitchen?

I would not, could not in the kitchen
Not even sorry for the bitchin’
I would not in the bathroom stall
I would not sleep with you at all
I will not sleep inside this house
You will not go inside my mouth
I do not want to watch a movie
I don’t want you to touch my boobie
I do not want to let you ram
I do not want to be your slam.

Say! In the butt?
In the butt?
Would you, could you up the butt?

I WOULD NOT, COULD NOT UP THE BUTT!

Soo…could you, would you in the pink?

I could not, would not in the pink
Not up the butt, I need a drink
I could not, would not in a stall
I’ll never do it, not at all
Not in the kitchen, not in the study
Sorry for bitchin’, just kidding, buddy
I will not bang you in this house
You will not go inside my mouth
And don’t take it to mean I hate you,
I just would rather not fellate you
I can not come to “watch a movie.”
I know that’s code for “touch my boobie”
I will not follow you up stairs
I won’t go in your room right there
I do not want to let you ram
I do not want to be your slam

But you’ll like it! You will see!
Have a little faith in me!

Fine, if you will let me be
Which room is yours?

It’s 103.

Just kidding. No means no, asshole. Fuck you.

***


Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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