Drake Is Low Key The Taylor Swift Of Rap


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Nice Move


After seeing Apple’s new cringeworthy commercial, I screamed in horrified disgust. How could they allow this string-bean-coconut-head hybrid to create such an abomination out of one of the greatest living artists of our time? Running like a puppy who hasn’t yet grown into it’s body and rapping intensely in the most Taylor Swift way possible, she ruined that song and my entire week. And then another thought crossed my mind, that elicited another petrified shriek: Drake is just like Taylor Swift.

He Almost Always Mentions Exes

Besides being a pussy, Drake is known for mentioning women by name in his songs. Someone sat down and meticulously sifted through his albums and created a list of all the women that he talked about in his songs. This does not include every time he’s been featured, which according to my calculations, was approximately an assload amount of times. Tay just eludes to her wrongdoers, while Drake straight up calls them out. Ballsy.

He Gets Around

He doesn’t get to mention 88 women in his songs by just sitting on his own thumbs all day. Drake has had some pretty high profile relationships with all types of women in Hollywood. Speculations have been made that he has been intimate with Nicki Minaj, Rihanna, Serena Williams, Zoe Kravitz, and even went on a dates with Tyra Banks and Kat Dennings. And those are just the ones we know about. Although he raps about women constantly, he doesn’t seem to kiss and tell, which is more than I can say about myself.

He Can’t Dance

For a guy with impeccable flow, tight rhymes, and an extensive knowledge about music, the dude has got no rhythm. His Dad, nay, Drunk Uncle dance moves in the Hotline Bling music video went viral as people suddenly realized his Jewish side was showing. There’s a reason the Beastie Boys only used close up fisheye lens shots for their videos. No offense, but Degrassi should have kept him in that wheelchair.

He’s So Easy To Make Fun Of

Meme City, Population: Drake. His sensitive side makes him quite different from his rapping counterparts. While the women swoon at his honesty, the men honestly couldn’t care less. They’re too busy putting other people’s heads on his dancing body, using screenshots with captions that start with “when u…”, and turning their trigger fingers into Twitter fingers.

You Hate To Love Him Or Love To Hate Him

Drake is everywhere. Commercials, TV, radio, awards shows. Even your mom loves “that one song about going home.” He started from the bottom, of what we’re not sure, and now he’s here and here to stay. Whether you want him to or not. He’ll be pumping out club bangers until his arthritis stops him from his signature rapping hand waves. The general masses find him to be charming and talented, while the rest wish he would go back to the 6. But even if you can’t stand him, a small part of you wants to be his woe.

Despite all this evidence, do I still love Drake? HYFR.

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to sratbroTSM@gmail.com or by smoke signal.

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