Meet Logan Shaulis, or as he may have recently introduced himself to you, Steve Rogers AKA Captain America. Captain America, as I’ll be calling him from this point forward, is just a regular guy. He puts his spandex on one leg at a time, and makes a funny face after he takes a shot, just like the rest of us. The only difference between us and Captain A? He’s way more creative than we are when he gets drunk and has a hankering for some law-breaking. See, you or I, we might steal a composite from a fraternity house, or flash our tits to a crowd — normal stuff. Captain America, on the other hand, wants to do good deeds, just as you’d suspect Captain America might.
In the middle of his bender, Captain A realized he needed to fight crime, right in the middle of Route 601 in Lincoln, Pennsylvania. He pulled out his trusty BB gun pistol, flares, handcuffs and portable scanner, then set up a DUI checkpoint. He pulled people over, asked for their licenses, registrations, and insurance cards, and made sure that no one was driving drunk.
As DUI checkpoints usually involve, like, eighteen police officers, it wasn’t long before people realized this was a ruse. The real cops were called and Captain America now faces felony charges, and fifteen misdemeanors including drunken driving, impersonating a public servant and unlawful restraint.
With Captain America locked up, I fear crime will live to fight another day..