Drunk Sex Is Overrated


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I am not a shy person. I’ve been known to take my top off at parties, and occasionally my bottoms, and I used to (lovingly) harass one of my more modest roommates by chasing her around with my boobs. I’m a treat to live with, really. This endearing quality of mine only increases in intensity under the influence of alcohol, as you might guess. On top of all the sexy things I’m likely to do, like jump off precipices or sob hysterically, my already low sexual defenses go even lower. I love that. I love the feeling of total freedom that comes when I’ve had a few shots. And I love drunk sex.

All inhibitions are shoved aside when you’ve got a gallon of vodka sloshing around inside you. There’s nothing to think about or worry about because of the nice fuzzy curtain alcohol draws over your eyes. I’ve had a lot of great late night texts that ended with me in nothing but heels in someone’s bed, and I can thank alcohol for making me brave enough for a lot of them. There’s nothing like a few shots of tequila to make you take your pants off without a single thought of stretch marks, and that’s great. I still like drunk sex, I really do– but lately, something has changed.

Lately, I’m way more likely to want to get down and dirty when I’m stone cold sober than when I’m stumbling my way back from the club hammered and holding my heels in my hands. Maybe it’s the way I wake up feeling after drinking—when your head hurts badly enough to resemble a battering ram being pounded against your skull it makes it hard to focus on the romance of the night before. But really, I think it’s just that I’m having better sex. When you’re having good sex, you don’t want alcohol to mess with your senses anymore because that shit is awesome. When I’m drunk my inhibitions are lowered, sure, which used to make me less self-conscious of the fact that a person was looking at my, ya know, stuff.

When I’m drunk it’s like all my nerves are turned off. I know what’s happening, and the rush of lowered inhibitions is exciting, but it’s like my head and my vagina are disconnected, and I need both to really enjoy the experience. Most of the time after drunk sex I just wake up knowing that I enjoyed the night before, but I can never remember anything specific. If it’s a casual thing, honestly, drunk sex definitely isn’t a bad idea as long as you’re sober enough to remember my favorite hashtag, #NoGloveNoLove. Sex with someone who you’re not really planning on seeing again can be super awkward, and alcohol makes it easier for you to get naked and enjoy yourself before sneaking out the next day with another penis under your belt. But if you’re really trying to get yours, in my experience, sober is the way to go. Don’t knock it ‘til you try it. And if you do try it, and it sucks, my bad. You probably should’ve taken a few shots first.

My favorite things are tiaras, compliments, and free drinks, which are becoming harder to come by the more I tend to show up at the bar in sweat pants. The proudest moment of my life so far has been landing an actual, paying job that allows me to Facebook stalk people for a living. I tweet about my mom way too often, who is constantly trying to remind me that I'm not nearly as cool as I think I am. Please send me funny stories to read at work here: shannon.laynee@yahoo.com

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