Columns

Dunkin’ Donuts Versus Starbucks: The Great Coffee Debate, Solved

Dunkin Donuts Versus Starbucks: The Great Coffee Debate, Solved

Our children’s children will learn about this debate in their history classes, along with Obama’s presidency, the government shutdown, Kim Kardashian, and iPhones. If we’re not careful, It’s a debate that could drive this glorious nation into the next civil war. I am, of course, talking about the ongoing argument of which coffee shop is better: Starbucks or Dunkin’ Donuts?

ATMOSPHERE: Starbucks
This was actually harder than you would think to determine a winner, because you can either be surrounded by hipster try-hards, awkward tinder dates, and people pretending to be productive, or…well actually, I’ve never actually seen people stay at a Dunkin’ for longer than the time it takes for their coffee to be poured and their bagel to be toasted.

AVAILABILITY: Tie (Starbucks- West Coast, Dunkin’- East Coast)
Well, I know I can’t travel more than three miles before running into a Dunkin’, but apparently that’s not how it is everywhere, because who knew that not everywhere is the exact same? So this one is a tie.

FOOD: Starbucks
Lets all be honest: if you don’t want a bagel or doughnut, you’re pretty much screwed at DD. Yeah, sure, they have sandwiches and wraps, but no one actually gets them because they look about as appetizing as dog food. Starbucks, on the other hand, not only puts out some prime scones and muffins, but even makes you think you’re making a somewhat healthy decision! Who can argue with that?

PRICE: Dunkin’
A large caramel iced coffee for 2.65 (with MD tax added, yes I know the exact price)? Yes, please. A $6.00 cup of warm milk with a few shots of espresso? Uh…

PATRONS: Starbucks
Similar to atmosphere, both choices are pretty fucking annoying. Most of the people who frequent Dunkin’ either have a harsh Boston or New York accent and clearly give zero fucks about anything. Usually I commend this behavior, but I draw the line when you give me death glares because my coffee is served before yours is. At Starbucks, you never feel threatened or scared you’re about to be mugged by a high schooler who’s skipping class. But…you fear for your own sanity when you hear a college aged boy — at least you think he’s a boy; the beard says male, the hair and pants do not — defend Marcel Duchamp* as the most influential and talented artist of all time, and you’re almost driven to throw down yourself. All in all, though, in the war of assault of be assaulted, you want to be at the place where the misdemeanor is your decision.

SPEED: Dunkin’
Nothing is more irritating than when you’re already cutting it pretty close to class or work, and the barista is chatting her co-worker up about her plans for the upcoming weekend. She is, of course, completely oblivious to your bitch face and tapping foot. We know Starbucks drinks take a long time, but like, damn girl. You are taking your sweet ass time making my venti skinny vanilla latte with an extra shot and I have to be in class….well had to be there two minutes ago. Dunkin’? Most times they have your drink ready before you’re even done paying. Customer service at its finest.

VERSATILITY- Starbucks
If you want a quick coffee, DD is your main man. If you want literally ANYTHING else, DD is just going to fall short of Starbucks. You can literally make your own latte at Starbucks, and where else can you use a free drink coupon to buy a $60 drink? They will literally meet any of your requests, which is exactly why your Starbucks takes a minimum of three minutes to say.

Overall Winner: Starbucks
Sure, everyone will have their preferences for taste (I think DD coffee is nothing without flavoring, others think Starbucks taste burnt), and of course if DD is more convenient, then obviously you’re going to go there. But Starbucks, the Queen of Coffee is and forever will be, the supreme ruler of coffee and espresso.

Email this to a friend

Hakuna Moscato

Hakuna Moscato (@HakunaMoscato) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. and Post Grad Problems. A born and raised Maryland girl, she's obsessed with the Baltimore Ravens, Old Bay, and anything that has the Maryland flag pattern on it. She's a newly retired student-athlete and sorority girl, but not quite ready to call herself an adult, especially since she still has to be carried out of bars. With a Long Island in hand, she's ready for whatever life is throwing her way. Maybe.

5 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TSM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More