Eating Salad Just Isn’t Enough Anymore


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Sad Girl Eating Salad

As I drove home from my bi-weekly daily workout session, I thought about what I’d had to eat earlier in the day. My little calorie watch told me I had only burned 200 of the buggers, though the sweat dripping down my face screamed that I did more work than that. I realized that even though I had eaten relatively well, it still probably wasn’t enough to make a difference. A bagel for breakfast, a salad with chicken for lunch, a clementine as a snack, and then turkey and brown rice for dinner. Sounds semi-healthy, right? Wrong. With this relatively new health freak-out sweeping the nation, having a salad with water for lunch just won’t cut it.

Gone are the days when you could have eggs and orange juice for breakfast. Now you have to have egg whites or a smoothie. Not any old smoothie though. It has to be green…or is it purple now? Who the fuck knows. It has to have tons of protein packed into it and more vegetables than a rabbit consumes. The cherry on top (not a literal cherry, those have too many calories) is that it’ll cost you half your college tuition. Take Shakeology. It’s 120 bucks for a mere month’s worth of powder. I barely have $20 to put towards gas to get me to work, let alone $100 more for a shake this is going to taste like chalk unless I make it perfectly.

Lunch now consists of some sort of protein, no carbs whatsoever and you guessed it, more veggies. Fruit will do, just not too much of it because you know, natural sugars will kill you. Sure, you can have that apple and peanut butter, just make sure it’s one slice and a quarter teaspoon of PB. That’s half of your daily intake right there.

When it comes to dinner, you’d think your options would open up somewhat. Ha! Good one. They’ve replaced brown rice with quinoa, which I had to look up to spell in case you were wondering. What is this magical food you may ask? Fuck all if I know. Although I looked it up and an 1.8 lb bag at Target is $10. Remember when I said I barely had enough money for gas? Yeah, I’ll skip the tiny rice, thanks. Also, that roll you were going to have with the pasta you’re not supposed to be eating? That’s all of your carbs for the week. Buh-bye Amoroso Rolls. You will be missed.

Now, before you jump down my throat, I’m not saying you shouldn’t try to eat healthy. I try every day. I really do. But when it cuts my negative bank balance in half (what’s half of negative?) and makes me want to eat my arm off, we’re going to have a problem. So for all of you out there with the self-discipline and mucho bucks to sustain the ultra-healthy lifestyle of the rich and basic, snaps for you. As for me, I’ll be over in the corner of the gym with my Venti Triple Shot Mocha, no whipped cream, and a twelve foot Italian Hoagie from Wawa.

Image via Shutterstock

WineFirst likes her wine white, chilled, and alone, although she's been known to share on rare occasions. In an attempt to not grow up, she procrastinates all things adult, such as not paying off her credit card bill and watching re-runs of Sex and the City. If you have any funny stories or new leads (or videos of kids falling down) e-mail her at:

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