Eight Inner Monologues You’ll Have While Trying To Adult


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Nice Move


We’ve all heard the myths surrounding the horrible place called The Real World. There, you are expected to make your own food, do your own laundry, and get to bed at a decent hour. It’s hideous, I know. But with graduation quickly approaching for some of us—sob—it might be time to dip a toe or two into the waters of adulthood. So here goes nothing: a day in the life of a wreck of a human being attempting to pull it together.

1. As my alarm clock makes an incessantly horrible noise.
I’m sorry, what time is it? Definitely not time to get up. I can snooze at least three more times… Wow look at that! It’s midday! Well this is a shocking turn of events if I’ve ever encountered one. No use getting up now!

2. While getting dressed.
Hmmm…haven’t worn this shirt in a while! Oh, that’s right, it makes my boobs look big in a bad way. These jeans are a cool color—but my ankles look fat as hell. Maybe a dress? Nah, it’s too windy. Back to the classic leggings and sweater look I guess. No one can say I didn’t try!

3. Goop says I should drink eight glasses of water a day. Shouldn’t be too difficult
Wait, how many water bottles full does that translate to? Dear God I am peeing like a fiend. Is this too much? Am I peeing too much? I think the literal amount I’m peeing has to mean I’m losing hydration at this point. I’m calling it—maybe I should have some wine to replenish?

4. After receiving an email from a prospective job/internship with the words, “reply promptly.”
But how prompt is too prompt? Is this like a “he’s into the chase” kind of thing where I should wait a couple hours?” No, wait, this is real life. They don’t care about chasing. And I really fucking want this job. I have to stop living my life like it’s a bad text conversation.

5. While trying to catch up on world news.
theSkimm! Here I come. And this time I’m going to follow all the hyperlinks and really absorb the day’s happenings. But first: Instagram! Just to wake me up. It’s not like I can read before I look at pictures anyway. DEAR GOD IS THAT A CAT DOING PUSHUPS?? Well I gotta watch that for at least ten hours straight.

6. During an attempt to eat healthy
Okay. Time to branch out from my classic meals of pasta and frozen pizza. How about some grilled salmon and broccoli, I can do that, right? Or not. Somehow the bottom of the salmon is burnt and the top is still frigid. I’m so confused. And this broccoli is practically disintegrating in the pot. I guess I’ll order Chinese—there’s veggies in that so it’s pretty much the same thing.

7. When trying to do laundry after three to four weeks of not doing laundry.
“Mom? How white is ‘white’ and how white is ‘I can throw it in with the colors white?’ Side note: how full can the machine get before I stop adding clothes?”

8. While trying to drink responsibly with friends
Two glasses of wine is honestly all anyone needs. And then I’ll be able to wake up tomorrow feeling refreshed instead of like a piece of roadkill! Wait…glass number two came and went so fast…I guess a third couldn’t hurt. Now maybe one more. Fuck it, let’s do shots. I’ll be a real person tomorrow.

I heard they don’t let you wear Norts and a shack shirt to work out there, either. Stay woke, friends.


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