The absolute most impressive quality in a girl is her ability to look at a situation, gather all of the facts, separate her emotions and perception from the reality, and react rationally. We’ve been dating for awhile now, so I think we both know that this absolutely does not describe me. Which is why I’ve pretty much been plotting your death since three weeks ago when I saw you liked Alana’s selfie.
Look, I am a reasonable person. I know that other women exist in this world, despite my best efforts to destroy every vagina-haver that isn’t already a friend of mine. And I know that in some parallel universe, one or two of those other women might be considered not-entirely-hideous. I can’t stop you from accidentally seeing photos that visually accost you through way of your Instagram timeline. I mean, I could go through and unfollow anyone who I think might have the skank gene, which is any girl I don’t know, but I’m not going to let you know how much access I have to your shit just yet.
Point being, I know you’re going to see pretty (sp?) girls, and I know you’re going to see their selfies, and I know you may even like them, like, emotionally. But you know, just leave it at that. Just like it. In your mind. You don’t have to actually double tap the photo. And you know why? Because it’s disrespectful.
First of all, and you can’t convince me otherwise, it tells that girl that you want to fuck her. There is one hundred percent ZERO reason to like someone’s selfie who you don’t want to fuck, and that’s just a fact. And I know what you’re thinking “uhh, random dudes like your selfies all the time.” To which I say, fucking duh. Have you seen me. They all want to fuck me. All of them. You only double tap that if you want to tap that. Everyone knows.
Furthermore, worse than telling her that you want to fuck her, you are telling all of our friends that you want to fuck her. You’re basically saying “oh, my loving girlfriend who is the most wonderful, beautiful person to ever grace my life? I don’t give a single shit! I am digitally cheating on her and I don’t even CARE who sees.” That’s not right, brotha.
I know what you’re thinking. This proves nothing, because as I mentioned, I am crazy. And most of my friends are crazy. (Which if you think about it kind of means we’re not crazy, but that’s a point for another time.) But you now who’s not crazy? Cool Girl Katie.
You remember my friend, Katie, right? The one who, like, goes outside sometimes, and not just so she can put a photo on Instagram? The one who drinks beer and doesn’t complain about it for three hours before and after? The one who likes sports and not just because she’s trying to impress a guy? I believe you called her “the only beacon of normalcy” in my life and squad?
Well guess fucking what. I TOLD Cool Girl Katie what you did. And you know what she said? Honestly, brace yourself, because I’m about to unleash something on you that I don’t even know if you’ll be able to recover from:
“I mean, I don’t think it really means anything, but I kind of get why you’re upset.”
SHE KIND OF GETS WHY I’M UPSET. That’s right. If you read between the lines, and I always do, even CGK admits that this is a violation of everything our relationship has grown to be, and serves as the ultimate digital betrayal.
Katie was always on your side when I got out of line. Always the one to reel me in when I was being unreasonable. Her opinion on the matter, however, just goes to prove that you’re not a very good boyfriend, and that, frankly, Alana’s about to get sliced. I’ve done worse for less. So enjoy these next few hours before I verbally destroy you, because you, my friend, are fucking toast..
Image via Shutterstock
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at [email protected]
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