I’m a horrible girlfriend, but I’m an even worse ex-girlfriend. I do absolutely insane, neurotic things the minute a guy shows an ounce of interest in me. I religiously stalk his exes and friends online, and I will sometimes accidentally end up at the same places they frequent. I have no problem holding a public screaming match with the barista who gave him his coffee with a little too much enthusiasm. I’ve been known to use all my Psych 101 knowledge to classically condition away the behaviors I don’t like.
I’m a psycho. And you, his new girlfriend, should be thanking me.
Because of girls like me, the girls who do have at least a shot glass worth of chill can flourish. You might be worried because you heard crazy girls are great in bed (and the rumors are true, I am), or that I will stop at nothing to get my ex-boyfriend back. But honestly, you’re in the power position. Just smile gleefully and nod if I’m brought up because there is not a thing on earth you could do that would make my ex want me back.
Girls like me make it so easy for girls like you. Your boyfriend having a truly insane ex-girlfriend gives you license to do whatever you want. It doesn’t matter what crazy thing you want or ridiculous request you make. No matter what, you will shine as the totally sane and wonderful girlfriend when compared with my psycho ex antics. You want to suggest moving in together after only 4 months? LOL, I didn’t even ask, I just cleared a space in his closet when he wasn’t there. You want him to shave the beard he worked so hard to grow because it’s uncomfortable when he goes down on you? I would have just mixed Nair into his face wash! There isn’t a line that I haven’t seen, crossed, and then lit on fire.
You also get to reap all the benefits of my insanity. If you let him have a single boys night where you don’t text him every thirty seconds just ask a super quick question, he will repay you in sexual dividends beyond your wildest imagination. And believe me, he knows how to get you off. He has learned his way around a woman’s body, probably because every time he didn’t get me off, I would cry for an hour about how it was clear he didn’t love me.
Remember all the things your ex did that you hated? He would like other girls’ pictures on Instagram and hang out with the hottie from his business class who he swore was just a friend. After being with a psycho like me, those are all things of the past. He’s not going to forget the time that he texted “Lena” for “homework help” and woke up find every single female contact except for his mother blocked or erased. You are guaranteed near perfect behavior from him.
Even if you do break up, you never have to worry about him going back to me, because you were such a breath of fresh air. He won’t talk shit about you to his pledge brothers or blacklist you from formal. You will get off completely scot-free.
You might stalk him for approximately half of the waking hours in a day, and accidentally drive to his apartment but you’ll never be the girl who got a job at his favorite bar so he would stop going.
So you can hate-stalk me all you want, and tell everyone who will listen that I’m an insane bitch. But next time you see me in your favorite coffee shop, giving you the death glare from the corner, be sure to send over a muffin or something. After all, I am the reason your boyfriend is everything you ever wanted.