Every Sorority Girl’s To-Do List When Trying To Recover From A Hangover


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Every Sorority Girl's Hangover To-Do List

Contrary to popular belief, every single weekend you spend in college isn’t necessarily spent out partying. Sometimes all you do for over forty-eight hours straight is drink wine and watch “Gilmore Girls” in bed. Then there are the weekends where the opposite happens. The best blackout weekends are the ones that are totally unplanned. You might decide to go downtown for a few drinks on Friday night and not make it home again until six a.m. Monday morning. Blackout weekends are fun, but they come at a steep price, depending on how crazy you actually got. They come bearing a special kind of revenge—the recovery period. You might have thought you were a shitshow on Saturday night when you started taking tequila body shots off of your topless roommate, but I promise you that Monday morning you, when the hangover really starts to hit, you will be an even bigger one. Trying to piece together all the bad decisions you made in one weekend is way more stressful now than it was when you were too drunk to care.

So, what do you do? You immediately grab your planner and start trying to get your life together. You make a list. Bitches love lists. They make us feel in control, and organized, and crossing things off of them feels so much better than that thing your boyfriend does. You just spent your weekend doing absolutely nothing productive in any way whatsoever. You woke up laying the wrong way on your bed, in a bikini, with the lights on and now it is early — very early — Monday morning. Judgment day has come. Here is the to-do list of a hungover sorority girl scrambling to get her life together—AKA, you.

  • Buy Excedrin.
    Because even writing this hurts, and you can hear your heart beating in your ears. Ow, ow, ow.
  • Starbs.
    No elaboration needed. Can they infuse caffeine intravenously yet?
  • Buy Pedialyte.
    It might be for babies with diarrhea, but it works wonders on a hangover. Seriously. This shit is magic.
  • Email Standards with an excuse for missing chapter.
    Family emergency always works. Fuck, can you just tell them you’re dead?
  • Text Abby and ask how much you owe her for her comforter.
    Abby’s a bitch, but you did barf on her bed. Girl Code demands you at least offer to replace it.
  • Email Professor Moreno with an excuse for missing mandatory discussion.
    It’s not until two this afternoon, but you already know there’s no way.
  • Try to figure out if you have any other classes to make excuses for.
    What classes are you taking? Jesus.
  • Call Daddy.
    You haven’t even checked your bank account yet, but you know you did some damage.
  • Figure out who Guy In Bar, Drunk J, and Jake XXX are in real life.
    There is a very, very good chance that the last one is a stripper.
  • Check your photo stream.
    Well. There’s Jake XXX. Am I crying in that picture?
  • Check Insta.
    Please, please, please God don’t let there be any pictures of me. Shit, found one.
  • Text Stacey and tell her to take that picture down.
    You can literally see your whole boob. It’s a surprise Standards hasn’t gotten to her yet.
  • Shower.
    Seeing as you still haven’t made it out of bed yet, this does have to be physically written down.
  • Start answering all 57,000 texts asking if you’re alive.
    Barely. Barely making it over here.
  • Never drink again.
    The one you always write down, and the one you never manage to cross off. Whoops. No regrets, right?
My favorite things are tiaras, compliments, and free drinks, which are becoming harder to come by the more I tend to show up at the bar in sweat pants. The proudest moment of my life so far has been landing an actual, paying job that allows me to Facebook stalk people for a living. I tweet about my mom way too often, who is constantly trying to remind me that I'm not nearly as cool as I think I am. Please send me funny stories to read at work here: shannon.laynee@yahoo.com

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