2015 has been a year of unending chasms: Republicans vs. Democrats, Women vs. Men, Gays vs. Supreme Court, Greek Life vs. Everyone, Rhonda Rousey vs. Holly Holm, White and Gold vs. Black and Blue. Unfortunately, American has once again been segregated into Starbucks drinks. A recent study done by some intern at Starbucks four espressos deep with too much time on his or her hands found which drink is most popular in each state.
Each drink they chose says a lot about the culture and character of the area:
Northeast: The most popular drink in the Northeast is the Holiday Spice Flat White because they are constantly trying to add some flare to their flat, white lives.
Mid-Atlantic and Southeast: These Confederates loves themselves some Gingerbread Lattes. The Tobacco Belt needed something to get the rancid taste of dip out of their mouths and Gingerbread does the trick.
Florida: The wildcard of America just HAD to be different and pump their veins with Peppermint Mocha Frappuccino. There is no way that shit is actually good but they are too busy sucking these down while hanging out the back of truck beds and fighting off alligators to notice the taste.
Midwest: The entire Midwest are fans of Carmel Brûlée Latte, not to be confused with the Carmel Brûlée Frappuccino which is all the rage in Hawaii. I don’t know much about the Midwest or what a Brûlée even is, so they both have that in common.
Texas: Chestnut Praline lattes are Texans’ drug of choice. This drink is just as nutty as their senator.
Western Mountain Region: The Rockies are all about PSLs. This region of the country may have attractions like Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, Las Vegas, and Aspen, but they are still basic AF.
Pacific Northwest: The area of the country with the grossest weather drinks the grossest drink: Eggnog Lattes. Coincidence? I think not.
California: Iced Holiday Lattes are most popular in California, but don’t worry, the water used for the ice cubes is recycled.
As Starbucks begins to remove its holiday drinks from the menu, we can only hope for coffee reconciliation in 2016..