Every girl has a getting ready routine, and mine is no different. I pour myself a strong vodka tonic, hop in the shower, and shave everything below the neck before slowly killing my hair with various hot tools. I spend an inordinate amount of time trying on clothes, taking them off and throwing them around my room, and then trying on more clothes until I find the perfect outfit.
I then spend a good hour and half completely restructuring my face with highlighting and contouring and performing near sorcery in order to make my nose appear smaller and my eyes appear bigger. I lotion my perfectly tanned legs (thanks to a few rounds of spray tan) before sliding on heels that give me blisters every single time I wear them but make my legs look nine inches longer than they really are and my butt look perfectly round and high. I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel like a freaking supermodel at this point, but I don’t do it for me. I do it for guys.
A lot of girls who follow the same routine say they “do it for themselves.” They spend all this time primping and pampering themselves, throwing excessive amounts of money at hairdressers and Sephora employees, all to feel “confident” about themselves. This is a total and complete lie.
I don’t know if you know this or not, but guys are smarter than girls. Their brains are bigger — it’s a scientifically proven fact. At least that’s what a guy told me. Because guys are smarter, their brains are always thinking about things like the stock market and religion. Girls have to do things like wear clothes that make their boobs look good and tease their hair to the high heavens or else guys won’t notice us. They’re too busy thinking up ways to cure cancer and how to make peace with the middle east.
My makeup collection has reached epic proportions, but it’s not because I love makeup and admire the artistry of it, but because it’s the only way for guys to know I’m a girl. If I don’t wear makeup, there’s absolutely no physical difference between my face and a potato. I used to wear drugstore foundation until I spent my weekly food budget on Georgio Armani Luminous Silk foundation. It was $65 and no guy has ever said anything about it, but I’m sure they notice.
Everyone knows guys are visual creatures. If you don’t do anything to make you stand out, they won’t see you. I know this because I once showed up to a party without makeup on and guys kept throwing their empty beer cans at me because they literally thought I was a trash can.
I’ve spent way too much time and energy finding my style and way too much money cultivating a wardrobe for a guy not to pay attention to me. When a guy sees me, I bet his first thought is, “Bro. Do you see that girl? Her modern bohemian chic style pairs perfectly with her rosy lilac makeup look and soft, beachy waves. Wait. Is her hair balayaged? Hot. So fucking hot.”
I’m done perpetuating this lie that girls dress and wear makeup for themselves. Just admit it: we do it for the guys. .
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